It;s amazing what happens when you're awake, unable to sleep. Where your mind can wander. For example, wondering why someone would cheat on you. Then you turn the TV on to a movie to take your mind off things. And the movie you put on is Dear John...It makes you wonder why she would do that to him...To most women this movie doesn't really mean a whole hell of a lot. But for us Military girlfriends, wifes, or whatever it hits home. For me it makes me wonder how she could ever do that. I read the book and watch the movie and ask myself why she would give up that kind of love. Some of us search forever for that and never find it. Yet she finds it and just walks away. I don't understand...Although I really should give up trying to understand what goes on with this world. *sigh* I guess I'm just feeling extra down because I miss my soldier. I want him home so badly I can taste it. Our one year is on the 20th. It breaks my heart that we can't be together for it. Even more that breaks my heart is that I have to go to my Aunts funeral. She died a few days ago. She was never really very healthy. But the worst part is because I wasn't close to her I'm not really that upset about it. I'm sure that will change when I get there...But its hard to imagine making our one year even more sad then it was already gonna be. And I hate that so much. *sigh* it just isn't fair...It doesn't help that we can't be together for our one year...I guess I'm done for now.
Remember we're all a little mad here.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Can't do HW so I might as well add a new post
Well...I'm tired. I have a ton of HW. And I can't focus on anything. I miss Michael. I wish he was home. I need him home. He'll be here as soon as he can I guess. *Sigh*
Harry Potter 7 part 1 was AMAZING THOUGH! OMFG!!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT WAIT to see it again!!!! I LOVED IT! It was the best rendering of it in SO LONG! :) it made my day. Even better was yelling "SHIT" really loud just as the are getting caught by the bad guys. Everyone in the Theater laughed. And the old guys to my left thought I was funny it seems because every 5 minutes they laughed at something I said...or laughed at me, which ever lol. *Sigh* I just wish Michael could have gone...Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll be able to be home for the 2nd part and we can go to that together. But I won't hold my breath...I guess that's all for now...
Harry Potter 7 part 1 was AMAZING THOUGH! OMFG!!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT WAIT to see it again!!!! I LOVED IT! It was the best rendering of it in SO LONG! :) it made my day. Even better was yelling "SHIT" really loud just as the are getting caught by the bad guys. Everyone in the Theater laughed. And the old guys to my left thought I was funny it seems because every 5 minutes they laughed at something I said...or laughed at me, which ever lol. *Sigh* I just wish Michael could have gone...Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll be able to be home for the 2nd part and we can go to that together. But I won't hold my breath...I guess that's all for now...
Day 30
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Dear Mary,
I love that you have a big heart. You never hesitate to help someone out or be a friend to them. You know how to protect your heart but to also keep it open. I love how your creativeness helps you connect with people on a level most can't. How when there is a baby around you always seem to know what to do. You know how to both give and take in relationships. How to put your foot down and say when enough is enough. You are able to accept people as they are, and not judge where they came from because who they were created who they are. You always have a quote for any occasion. You work hard at the things you care deeply about. I love how hard you are working to be more ok with how things happen and not so obsessed with how YOU want them to work out.
love,
Mary
Wow....That was a short letter. Oh well. Tired but I can't sleep. I miss Michael so much :( I wish he could cuddle with me and rub my back. It would put me right to sleep if he could *sigh* Dear Deployment, you fucking suck dirty cave man balls.
Dear Mary,
I love that you have a big heart. You never hesitate to help someone out or be a friend to them. You know how to protect your heart but to also keep it open. I love how your creativeness helps you connect with people on a level most can't. How when there is a baby around you always seem to know what to do. You know how to both give and take in relationships. How to put your foot down and say when enough is enough. You are able to accept people as they are, and not judge where they came from because who they were created who they are. You always have a quote for any occasion. You work hard at the things you care deeply about. I love how hard you are working to be more ok with how things happen and not so obsessed with how YOU want them to work out.
love,
Mary
Wow....That was a short letter. Oh well. Tired but I can't sleep. I miss Michael so much :( I wish he could cuddle with me and rub my back. It would put me right to sleep if he could *sigh* Dear Deployment, you fucking suck dirty cave man balls.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Days 27-29
It's been an eh day. Michael and I are yet again having some small issues. *Sigh* I just wish we could be done with our fighting. And I wish I could have more talk time with him. But sadly I can't wish upon a star and make all of that come true. So here we go:
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Um...Well...School? Nope not really? Love life? Nope mine is half way around the world...Hmmmmm....I really have no idea. I'm not dead! So that's a good thing...Right?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
I would get to carry out my plan for how to tell Michael that he is going to be a father...I would probably feel like I was finally working toward what I had always wanted...Michael and I want children...So I feel like it wouldn't be the worst thing ever. I would freak out at first but then be ok with it. *Sigh* and I love me some babies so lol I would be fine. And I KNOW Michael would be BEYOND ecstatic :)
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
It would be really nice to not bash myself and my looks on a daily basis. It really wears on a person after a while. But it is a bad habit that I have had for pretty much my whole life. So I feel like it Might be here to stay. Unfortunately.
*Sigh* I'm gonna try VERY hard to stay awake until Michael is able to email me back....But I am SO TIRED....So Idk that that's gonna happen :) night all.
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Um...Well...School? Nope not really? Love life? Nope mine is half way around the world...Hmmmmm....I really have no idea. I'm not dead! So that's a good thing...Right?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
I would get to carry out my plan for how to tell Michael that he is going to be a father...I would probably feel like I was finally working toward what I had always wanted...Michael and I want children...So I feel like it wouldn't be the worst thing ever. I would freak out at first but then be ok with it. *Sigh* and I love me some babies so lol I would be fine. And I KNOW Michael would be BEYOND ecstatic :)
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
It would be really nice to not bash myself and my looks on a daily basis. It really wears on a person after a while. But it is a bad habit that I have had for pretty much my whole life. So I feel like it Might be here to stay. Unfortunately.
*Sigh* I'm gonna try VERY hard to stay awake until Michael is able to email me back....But I am SO TIRED....So Idk that that's gonna happen :) night all.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Days 24-26
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
I have one for Michael but it takes WAY too long to type all the songs on that since there are over 50 on it lol.
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Because I got my heart fixed...And there was something more meant for me...I'm still searching for what that is....
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Yes. Anytime I think of Michael not coming home to me I think about how I will shut down. How I will just give up on everything because the one thing in my life that is amazing, even when we fight, would be gone...And the thought of that makes me want to crawl into a hole and die...but you know I also had the typical teenager issues....But looking back those seem so....trivial? When compared to this Deployment. *Sigh*
It's been a long day...I miss Michael a lot and even more than that I miss just being able to talk to him. And EVERYTHING has been pissing me off today. Ug. I hate this so much :(
I have one for Michael but it takes WAY too long to type all the songs on that since there are over 50 on it lol.
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Because I got my heart fixed...And there was something more meant for me...I'm still searching for what that is....
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Yes. Anytime I think of Michael not coming home to me I think about how I will shut down. How I will just give up on everything because the one thing in my life that is amazing, even when we fight, would be gone...And the thought of that makes me want to crawl into a hole and die...but you know I also had the typical teenager issues....But looking back those seem so....trivial? When compared to this Deployment. *Sigh*
It's been a long day...I miss Michael a lot and even more than that I miss just being able to talk to him. And EVERYTHING has been pissing me off today. Ug. I hate this so much :(
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Craftyness :)
Wow I haven't posted a single crafty thing on here in WAY TOO LONG!!! I have plans for Michael's Christmas present. But he checks this blog so I can't tell you what it is :) tehehehehe I sneaking! However, I might send it to him early since I want him to have it asap :) so without further delay here are some crafty things I have done recently!!!
So I went back and read some of my old posts...Damn I was dumb. It is AMAZING how much you can change in a few SHORT months. Like really, I CANNOT believe I EVER doubted Michael and I and where we would end up. Like it really amazes me. Even more so that he wasn't like, "Oh well f you too I'll be going now." And I am SO BEYOND thankful that he stuck around through my indecisiveness. I love him with ALL of my heart and I cannot believe I doubted that. Anywho, just felt the need to throw that out there :) <3 remember, we're all a little mad here.
So I went back and read some of my old posts...Damn I was dumb. It is AMAZING how much you can change in a few SHORT months. Like really, I CANNOT believe I EVER doubted Michael and I and where we would end up. Like it really amazes me. Even more so that he wasn't like, "Oh well f you too I'll be going now." And I am SO BEYOND thankful that he stuck around through my indecisiveness. I love him with ALL of my heart and I cannot believe I doubted that. Anywho, just felt the need to throw that out there :) <3 remember, we're all a little mad here.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
*sigh* I wish I could sleep
But I thought it would be a GREAT idea to put off my HW until the LAST minute! So here I am sitting in my bed avoiding my HW some more. Which is dumb, but hey it is what it is....Anywho, I wish I could go to bed. I really dk what the HW is that I am trying to do though....Ug. My shoulder is also KILLING me!!! I was playing flag football with the other theater majors (even though I had been sick all day, dumb yes I know) and to make sure I wasn't tagged out I threw myself over the safety line...Which was 3 maybe 4 times. I landed on the same side each time, and my little is convinced that I have really hurt myself. Which you know could very possibly be true because I am in a shit load of pain. I'm missing Michael like crazy. I wish he was here to help me stay awake and get on task so I can finish this fing HW....I think part of the problem is I'm trying to stay awake to get another email...Which is so not healthy...But tomorrow IS Friday...Well today is Friday....you know what I mean! When I'm done with my classes I can get into bed and SLEEP!!!!!! And maybe this weekend I will follow my schedule to do my HW on Sunday and Monday for the WHOLE WEEK! Ergo making less work for me DURING the week....The chances of this happening are slim, and nil....And slim left town :) *Sigh* ok ok FINE I'll go finish my damn HW. Night :)
Days 22 & 23
I don't think I'm too far off track. Anywho here we go :)
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Dated "the mistake". But then other times it's a good thing I did. Because it reminds me that what Michael and I have is real. Because Michael is SO different then "the mistake"....I have mixed feelings on it. If I had never been with "the mistake" I never would have known how amazing Michael really is...But on the flip side if I hadn't been with "the mistake" it wouldn't have taken me so long to realize that Michael is the person I am meant to be with...*Sigh* I hope all that makes sence LOL. Next :)
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
I really don't know...I....nope I got nothing lol. Ask me later when I'm about to die lol ;)
remember we're all a little mad here <3
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Dated "the mistake". But then other times it's a good thing I did. Because it reminds me that what Michael and I have is real. Because Michael is SO different then "the mistake"....I have mixed feelings on it. If I had never been with "the mistake" I never would have known how amazing Michael really is...But on the flip side if I hadn't been with "the mistake" it wouldn't have taken me so long to realize that Michael is the person I am meant to be with...*Sigh* I hope all that makes sence LOL. Next :)
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
I really don't know...I....nope I got nothing lol. Ask me later when I'm about to die lol ;)
remember we're all a little mad here <3
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Thinking can be risky stuff
Wow....So. I found this blog. Of a woman whos husband was killed in Afghanistan....She is so strong in my opinion. But it really made me think "What will I do if Michael doesn't come home"? Typing that question alone put me in tears again....And the truth is if Michael doesn't come home to me, I can't promise that I will go long without him. As morbid and ugly as that sounds I firmly believe that...The thought of not being able to talk to him, see him, have him cuddle to me, listen to him whisper I love you very softly into my ear, make me laugh because he is such a nerd. Explain something when I don't understand or tell me how insane I am being...I just...I cannot even fathom him not coming home...And I pray it is NEVER a truth I have to come to terms with...I love him. And unfortunately him being in the Army makes it very possible that he won't come home...God...I can't loose him...I have been trying to think of why god would take him away from me...Why he would put us through so much just to yank him out of my life in a second...And while most of me believes he wouldn't do that...the other parts of me are scared to death that I will wake up at 3am to a phone call telling me that the love of my life will not be coming home to me. And in those 20 seconds my whole world will fall apart...The thought of that happening makes me sad for my loved ones...Because they are the ones who will have to watch me completely change, watch me become a shell of who I am...And watch me become a person I might not snap out of...
Sorry that this is such a downer and morbid post....But I feel like people don't talk about the dark ugly fears, and for those of you who know me I'm NOT afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not afraid to stand on a table and say "THIS FUCKING SUCKS BECAUSE..." *Sigh*
K I'll be done now lol. If only 8:30 would hurry up! I wanna talk to my boy :(
Remember we're all a little mad here
Sorry that this is such a downer and morbid post....But I feel like people don't talk about the dark ugly fears, and for those of you who know me I'm NOT afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not afraid to stand on a table and say "THIS FUCKING SUCKS BECAUSE..." *Sigh*
K I'll be done now lol. If only 8:30 would hurry up! I wanna talk to my boy :(
Remember we're all a little mad here
Monday, November 8, 2010
WOO HOO! I'm not 2000 days behind!!! Be proud!
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
I think that everyone should be allowed to believe what they want. I myself am not a big religion nither is Michael. Idk. I was raised where if you want to get into religion that is for you to decide. And politics....I don't talk about them aloud, it never ends well. SO moving on :)
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Drugs: medication to make you feel better is fine. Like I would DIE if once a month I didn't OD on pain pills :) because my period hates me with a PASSION. But I feel that weed, crack and whatever else kids are doing these days is really fucking dumb. As for alcohol....I think that I wish I was 21 so I could get a drink legally.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
You're joking right? I get my ass in a fucking car and I go to the hospital. Some retarded petty fight is NOT worth not being there for my friends...Now, with that said if the dumb bitch was sleeping with my man then I probably would be the car that hit hers :) ....jk jk.....kinda LOL. But really no, if a friend needs me I am there ASAP.
Well, I think that's all for tonight. I am majorly stressed. I need to be able to drive and get a car. I really might die if I don't....Night kids, remember, we're all a little mad here :)
I think that everyone should be allowed to believe what they want. I myself am not a big religion nither is Michael. Idk. I was raised where if you want to get into religion that is for you to decide. And politics....I don't talk about them aloud, it never ends well. SO moving on :)
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Drugs: medication to make you feel better is fine. Like I would DIE if once a month I didn't OD on pain pills :) because my period hates me with a PASSION. But I feel that weed, crack and whatever else kids are doing these days is really fucking dumb. As for alcohol....I think that I wish I was 21 so I could get a drink legally.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
You're joking right? I get my ass in a fucking car and I go to the hospital. Some retarded petty fight is NOT worth not being there for my friends...Now, with that said if the dumb bitch was sleeping with my man then I probably would be the car that hit hers :) ....jk jk.....kinda LOL. But really no, if a friend needs me I am there ASAP.
Well, I think that's all for tonight. I am majorly stressed. I need to be able to drive and get a car. I really might die if I don't....Night kids, remember, we're all a little mad here :)
Saturday, November 6, 2010
....Days 6-18...FAIL MARY FAIL! Lol
So can I just say that I am a MAJOR FAIL!?!?!?! Ug, life on this end has been getting so CRAZY! With all this drama I have going on in my life it is like crazy! I've had drama with school, Michael, my little and her roommate. And it has just ug been getting me so down. I really get my school stuff done, try to talk to Michael, and sleep....I'll TRY to post more, I pinky swear :)
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Not to be morbid and negative but I hope I never have to burry Michael...I hope to god he comes home alive and well every single time he has to deploy...It scares me to death thinking that I could open the door one day or answer my phone and find out that the love of my life, the person who saved me from being this shell of a person, is gone forever. I don't want to imagine it...A girl in one of my theater classes asked me what I would do if my boy friend died. Which was a TOTAL bitch question to ask considering the circumstances. I told her I would die also. I started to tear upi and I couldn't hardly speak. In that moment I didn't know if I wanted to hit her more, or cry more. But anywho...yeah there ya go. moving on
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
I have a lot of people who do that. All my friends, Michael, my mom, my god children...Yeah moving on now lol
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Again, i have had a lot of people do this to me...I really try to just ignore them and move on. I try to remember all of the people who love me and want to support me...Sometimes I fail and get SUPER pissed off at people, but I do try.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
I think everyone has more then one person they drifted away from and wish they hadn't. My friend Alexis, Kayla....Idk lots of people...But as life goes on you change, other people change. What you want from life and in life changes...So I guess it only makes sense that sometimes the people you have in your life change.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
...I wish that I could forget "the mistake"...All the events that include him really hold me back in EVERY part of my life. And it really pisses me off...But no matter how hard I try I can't seem to let go of what he did to me...Or how to forgive him for it...
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
...Idk....my smile I guess...Or my sometimes loving nature...Or my ablity to just go for things...Idk....Never really asked before...But I will now lol
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Hm.....My brains....Idk why because I am really damn smart! But it seems like people don't notice that about me....It is probably part my fault since being the A student in class isn't my life goal like it can be for my sister.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
....I have WAY too many of these to write a letter to all...So we will just make a general letter :)
* Wow...I have had some shity days in my life...But because you put...Emotions to words and words to music, I feel like I'm not alone. Like somewhere someone in this world know EXACTLY how I am feeling...And feels just as lost as I do...It really gives me comfort to know that I am not going through these crap days alone, that I can pull up my itunes account or the internet and somewhere some song or songs, will make me feel better...I've always said that one song can change all my views or emotions on something...And that has never been more true then when I turned to music to remind me I'm not alone. So thank you all.
Mary
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
...None
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
...At&t is stupid so they cut off my phone because of all the charges on it (we haven't gotten the bill yet for it so it's not like we didn't fucking pay the bill!) I had all of those charges because I was talking to Michael, since he is deployed that to me is a big freakin deal...SO I was forced to live without my phone for 2.5 hours and I really think it almost killed me. With Michael in Afganistan and knowing that if anything happens it is ME that they will call....The thought that I wouldn't know if something went wrong was tearing me apart...Yeah that can NEVER happen again! Or next time the AT&T person I deal with, WILL end up with a black eye.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
"the mistake" enough said.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Hm....idk I read a lot of books...But I often agreed with the topic before I read it lol....I really have no idea lol
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
I see no problem with it...In my opinion, god does NOT make mistakes. Everyone is born how they are for a reason! And even if we don't understand these reasons it is NOT our place to judge. Love isn't something that you can help or control. It's...crazy and spontaneous and unexpected....maybe god is trying to teach other tolerance for something they cannot understand...Idk. But I DO know that I see no reason to hold them back simply because they are gay. how dumb to do something like that in my opinion.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Not to be morbid and negative but I hope I never have to burry Michael...I hope to god he comes home alive and well every single time he has to deploy...It scares me to death thinking that I could open the door one day or answer my phone and find out that the love of my life, the person who saved me from being this shell of a person, is gone forever. I don't want to imagine it...A girl in one of my theater classes asked me what I would do if my boy friend died. Which was a TOTAL bitch question to ask considering the circumstances. I told her I would die also. I started to tear upi and I couldn't hardly speak. In that moment I didn't know if I wanted to hit her more, or cry more. But anywho...yeah there ya go. moving on
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
I have a lot of people who do that. All my friends, Michael, my mom, my god children...Yeah moving on now lol
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Again, i have had a lot of people do this to me...I really try to just ignore them and move on. I try to remember all of the people who love me and want to support me...Sometimes I fail and get SUPER pissed off at people, but I do try.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
I think everyone has more then one person they drifted away from and wish they hadn't. My friend Alexis, Kayla....Idk lots of people...But as life goes on you change, other people change. What you want from life and in life changes...So I guess it only makes sense that sometimes the people you have in your life change.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
...I wish that I could forget "the mistake"...All the events that include him really hold me back in EVERY part of my life. And it really pisses me off...But no matter how hard I try I can't seem to let go of what he did to me...Or how to forgive him for it...
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
...Idk....my smile I guess...Or my sometimes loving nature...Or my ablity to just go for things...Idk....Never really asked before...But I will now lol
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Hm.....My brains....Idk why because I am really damn smart! But it seems like people don't notice that about me....It is probably part my fault since being the A student in class isn't my life goal like it can be for my sister.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
....I have WAY too many of these to write a letter to all...So we will just make a general letter :)
* Wow...I have had some shity days in my life...But because you put...Emotions to words and words to music, I feel like I'm not alone. Like somewhere someone in this world know EXACTLY how I am feeling...And feels just as lost as I do...It really gives me comfort to know that I am not going through these crap days alone, that I can pull up my itunes account or the internet and somewhere some song or songs, will make me feel better...I've always said that one song can change all my views or emotions on something...And that has never been more true then when I turned to music to remind me I'm not alone. So thank you all.
Mary
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
...None
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
...At&t is stupid so they cut off my phone because of all the charges on it (we haven't gotten the bill yet for it so it's not like we didn't fucking pay the bill!) I had all of those charges because I was talking to Michael, since he is deployed that to me is a big freakin deal...SO I was forced to live without my phone for 2.5 hours and I really think it almost killed me. With Michael in Afganistan and knowing that if anything happens it is ME that they will call....The thought that I wouldn't know if something went wrong was tearing me apart...Yeah that can NEVER happen again! Or next time the AT&T person I deal with, WILL end up with a black eye.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
"the mistake" enough said.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Hm....idk I read a lot of books...But I often agreed with the topic before I read it lol....I really have no idea lol
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
I see no problem with it...In my opinion, god does NOT make mistakes. Everyone is born how they are for a reason! And even if we don't understand these reasons it is NOT our place to judge. Love isn't something that you can help or control. It's...crazy and spontaneous and unexpected....maybe god is trying to teach other tolerance for something they cannot understand...Idk. But I DO know that I see no reason to hold them back simply because they are gay. how dumb to do something like that in my opinion.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Days 2-5
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Um....I love how much i care about people. Sometimes it is my BIGGEST down fall, but for the most part I love how much I care about people. In today's world everyone is always so worried about themselves and then never take the time to worry about someone else. I try to focus more on helping someone have a better day, or being the rock that someone might need to get through something difficult. Now mind you I have my moments of begin selfish, who doesn't? But I try to have more selfless moments.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Making mistakes. We all make mistakes. But I have a lot of trouble forgiving myself for making them. I often feel like I have to be perfect 100% of the time and it makes me crazy when I'm not. I have to get a grip and realize that mistakes in life are needed.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
I haven't forgiven "The Mistake" for what he did to me and how much he hurt me. And I often wonder if I will ever be able to let go of it all.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Be Belle in Disney. It is something I have ALWAYS wanted. And I really think I would be good at it! I am great with kids, I love Disney, I can dance, I can sing, I have an amazing stage presence. So with hard work and good luck maybe my dream will come true. Who knows :)
Um....I love how much i care about people. Sometimes it is my BIGGEST down fall, but for the most part I love how much I care about people. In today's world everyone is always so worried about themselves and then never take the time to worry about someone else. I try to focus more on helping someone have a better day, or being the rock that someone might need to get through something difficult. Now mind you I have my moments of begin selfish, who doesn't? But I try to have more selfless moments.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Making mistakes. We all make mistakes. But I have a lot of trouble forgiving myself for making them. I often feel like I have to be perfect 100% of the time and it makes me crazy when I'm not. I have to get a grip and realize that mistakes in life are needed.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
I haven't forgiven "The Mistake" for what he did to me and how much he hurt me. And I often wonder if I will ever be able to let go of it all.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Be Belle in Disney. It is something I have ALWAYS wanted. And I really think I would be good at it! I am great with kids, I love Disney, I can dance, I can sing, I have an amazing stage presence. So with hard work and good luck maybe my dream will come true. Who knows :)
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.
I hate my looks. I always have. I cannot stand how thin my hair is, how fat and chubby I am. I hate how my eyes are an ugly brown color. I hate just over all how I look. I often feel like there is too much of me and I take up too much space because of all my fat. *Sigh* I have a really low self esteem and Michael gets so mad at me for it lol. He tries to build me up all the time. But I see all these cute little Florida girls walking around campus and I'm like why can't I be that thin? And when I try to work out and loose the weight I don't see results as quickly as I want to so I give up on it, then get even more depressed over it. Which blows. Anywho, day one done :)
Monday, October 18, 2010
So behind
wow. it has been forever since I updated. i really should keep up with this better lol. So one of my fellow blogger friends has inspired me to do a Challenge for 30 days. Here is the challenge:
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
So there is that... Ok so here is our weekend together because I don't think I have posted that yet :)
This is how Michael surprise visit came to be:
So a little before the surprise. Michael had told me that because he had just gotten there they were not going to let him leave post AT ALL! No mileage pass, no leave, no nothing. I was MAJORLY upset! I cried on and off for 9 whole days! No joke. For 9 days I couldn’t eat, sleep, focus on school. Nothing. I felt like a broken person because my ONE chance of seeing him before he deployed was gone. I was PISSED!
Fast forward to Friday :) well he told me that Friday he would have some thing to do all day and he wouldn’t be able to talk. However, he was calling me an AWFUL lot for someone who shouldn’t be able to talk to me! Lol. I knew something was up but I didn’t know what. I thought that my friend Dani (Whom I meet on my support site tehehehe) was the one who was coming to see me. So she calls after telling me she is lost but she is on campus and says,
“well come outside and stand by the road so I know which one is your building”
“Ok bye”
“NO! stay on the phone with me!”
“Dani the phone’s gunna die in the stair well”
Phone dies
Dani calls back “Ok I am here where are you”
“I’m fucking walkin outside and I don’t see you” At this point I saw a guy walking towards me in ACUs. Understand that ever since the moment Michael told me he couldn’t come I had been seeing ACUs EVERYWHERE or something else to remind me of him, like couples walking to class hand in hand stuff like that, so when I see this guy I think to myself “great ANOTHER guy in ACUs to make me miss Michael even more! WONDERFUL!” As I am thinking this I begin to say again
“I don’t see yo---MICHAEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
At this point I realized that the soldier walking towards me was mine!!!!!
I ran and JUMPED on him with like MAJOR force, I also threw my flip flop off my foot because it was making me trip. I hit him so hard I knocked the air out of him!! It was so cute. It was like I jumped on him and had my legs around him and everything lol 100% PERFECT
Then I started to cry REALLY hard saying, "Omg Michael i can't believe you're here omg omg" Over and over. I said it like 20000000000000000 times LOL
After a few minutes of saying that I kept saying "is it really you!?!?!?!?! Please tell me I'm not dreaming!!!" And he said, "Baby you're not dreaming I love you" and he kissed me (I had been kissing him like every 3 seconds)
So after I was calm enough to open the door to the dorm, I showed him my dorm and we talked for a bit (Me still bursting into tears saying omg omg omg you’re here!!!) then we got him so flip flops from Wal-mart because all he had were his boots. After that we ate at CiCi's pizza and we came back to school to get some sleep. He stayed with a guy in the JORTC program.
Day 2
We got up super early! I think it was because we were so happy to be together on our first vacation!!! We went to the food court at Caribbean Beach and got something to eat then went back to the park. So we go get him a park ticket (4 day park hopper with Active Military discount only $124!!!!!!!!) and went to Epcot to get dinner (Coral Reef {Sp?} which was SO YUMMY! And he spent a TON on it! It was our major splurge while on our first vacation lol) and I showed him around the Yacht and Beach Club (Where my family and I usually stay over the summer). Then we headed over to the Magic Kingdom to watch the fireworks, he said he liked them a lot even though he isn’t a fan of fireworks, he just don’t see the point to them I guess LOL. But I cried because it is on my bucket list to watch fireworks in Disney with the love of my life, and I got to cross it off. How amazing is that?!?!?!??! Then we went back to FSC. I also told him that we WERE getting up early to go into a park! Or I would hurt him, he laughed at me and say ok baby I love you. I told him I love you too and off to sleep we went :)
Day 3
so we got up and went to Downtown Disney so he could get new flip flops because the wal-mart ones messed up his feet BIG time! So after some wonderful shopping we went to extra magic hours. We only did a few rides (3 or 4) but he promised we would have MANY MANY more trips to Disney ahead of us, which made me smile MAJORLY!! So we had to leave early so I could finish my paper for Sociology and he helped me with it! He told me I did a very good job on it and he was proud of me. Which again made me smile.
Day 4
I had class at 10. After class we went to lunch at Olive Garden, then we went to Michael's and he got me some scrapbooking stuff, then sadly he had to leave after like....45 minutes of me crying and us cuddling. But it was the best surprise ever!!!!!!!!!!
OK THEN! I think that is a good enough update.
*please note that somethings have been changed. For question message me personally. :)
Remember, we're all a little mad here <3
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
So there is that... Ok so here is our weekend together because I don't think I have posted that yet :)
This is how Michael surprise visit came to be:
So a little before the surprise. Michael had told me that because he had just gotten there they were not going to let him leave post AT ALL! No mileage pass, no leave, no nothing. I was MAJORLY upset! I cried on and off for 9 whole days! No joke. For 9 days I couldn’t eat, sleep, focus on school. Nothing. I felt like a broken person because my ONE chance of seeing him before he deployed was gone. I was PISSED!
Fast forward to Friday :) well he told me that Friday he would have some thing to do all day and he wouldn’t be able to talk. However, he was calling me an AWFUL lot for someone who shouldn’t be able to talk to me! Lol. I knew something was up but I didn’t know what. I thought that my friend Dani (Whom I meet on my support site tehehehe) was the one who was coming to see me. So she calls after telling me she is lost but she is on campus and says,
“well come outside and stand by the road so I know which one is your building”
“Ok bye”
“NO! stay on the phone with me!”
“Dani the phone’s gunna die in the stair well”
Phone dies
Dani calls back “Ok I am here where are you”
“I’m fucking walkin outside and I don’t see you” At this point I saw a guy walking towards me in ACUs. Understand that ever since the moment Michael told me he couldn’t come I had been seeing ACUs EVERYWHERE or something else to remind me of him, like couples walking to class hand in hand stuff like that, so when I see this guy I think to myself “great ANOTHER guy in ACUs to make me miss Michael even more! WONDERFUL!” As I am thinking this I begin to say again
“I don’t see yo---MICHAEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
At this point I realized that the soldier walking towards me was mine!!!!!
I ran and JUMPED on him with like MAJOR force, I also threw my flip flop off my foot because it was making me trip. I hit him so hard I knocked the air out of him!! It was so cute. It was like I jumped on him and had my legs around him and everything lol 100% PERFECT
Then I started to cry REALLY hard saying, "Omg Michael i can't believe you're here omg omg" Over and over. I said it like 20000000000000000 times LOL
After a few minutes of saying that I kept saying "is it really you!?!?!?!?! Please tell me I'm not dreaming!!!" And he said, "Baby you're not dreaming I love you" and he kissed me (I had been kissing him like every 3 seconds)
So after I was calm enough to open the door to the dorm, I showed him my dorm and we talked for a bit (Me still bursting into tears saying omg omg omg you’re here!!!) then we got him so flip flops from Wal-mart because all he had were his boots. After that we ate at CiCi's pizza and we came back to school to get some sleep. He stayed with a guy in the JORTC program.
Day 2
We got up super early! I think it was because we were so happy to be together on our first vacation!!! We went to the food court at Caribbean Beach and got something to eat then went back to the park. So we go get him a park ticket (4 day park hopper with Active Military discount only $124!!!!!!!!) and went to Epcot to get dinner (Coral Reef {Sp?} which was SO YUMMY! And he spent a TON on it! It was our major splurge while on our first vacation lol) and I showed him around the Yacht and Beach Club (Where my family and I usually stay over the summer). Then we headed over to the Magic Kingdom to watch the fireworks, he said he liked them a lot even though he isn’t a fan of fireworks, he just don’t see the point to them I guess LOL. But I cried because it is on my bucket list to watch fireworks in Disney with the love of my life, and I got to cross it off. How amazing is that?!?!?!??! Then we went back to FSC. I also told him that we WERE getting up early to go into a park! Or I would hurt him, he laughed at me and say ok baby I love you. I told him I love you too and off to sleep we went :)
Day 3
so we got up and went to Downtown Disney so he could get new flip flops because the wal-mart ones messed up his feet BIG time! So after some wonderful shopping we went to extra magic hours. We only did a few rides (3 or 4) but he promised we would have MANY MANY more trips to Disney ahead of us, which made me smile MAJORLY!! So we had to leave early so I could finish my paper for Sociology and he helped me with it! He told me I did a very good job on it and he was proud of me. Which again made me smile.
Day 4
I had class at 10. After class we went to lunch at Olive Garden, then we went to Michael's and he got me some scrapbooking stuff, then sadly he had to leave after like....45 minutes of me crying and us cuddling. But it was the best surprise ever!!!!!!!!!!
OK THEN! I think that is a good enough update.
*please note that somethings have been changed. For question message me personally. :)
Remember, we're all a little mad here <3
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
So long
It has been FOREVER since I have updated this!!! I feel horrible. Lol so here we go!!! Michael and I are doing AMAZING!!!!! Like we are perfect right now and I am LOVING it!!!!! He is deploying soon, which sucks, however he was able to come see me so I think I can get through this. I am strong enough to do this. And I have faith that he and I will make it. That we are in this for the long haul.
I will make a HUGE post on our weekend. It was PERFECT!!!!! Omg lol anywho that is really all I have to say at the moment lol
Remember we are all a little mad here :)
Mary
I will make a HUGE post on our weekend. It was PERFECT!!!!! Omg lol anywho that is really all I have to say at the moment lol
Remember we are all a little mad here :)
Mary
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Been A While
So it has been a long time since I posted. I am a member of a Army GF support site. And other then a few small things that have really upset me it is going well. Michael had to head to his duty station. I miss him so much. I had two amazing weeks with him and I really think they were the best of my life. I need him. I am going to start seeing a shrink when I get back to school....I can't do this anymore. I need someone to listen to me and me not have to worry about what is on their plate and the burden I am adding to them. *Sigh* I hope it helps.
Remember, we're all a little mad here.
Remember, we're all a little mad here.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Old things become new
Wow I wrote this a LONG time ago :) But here it is
Hi all….
First let me say that what I put here is MY opinion. Not fact. I DO NOT want anyone to start leaving me comments telling me I am a drama starting female dog, because the fact of the matter is I’ll just delete you. I am tired of not saying what I need to say to get things off my chest and work them out. No one is making you read this. If you have a comment or question go for it ask! But don’t judge me for saying what I need to say.
With that said, I’m going to write a blogish type thing about everything that’s happened and is happening with me. I dono why I’m doing this….I mean I could just keep a diary but for some reason that’s not good enough….I feel like if I’m going to take the time to write or in this case type down what I’ve been through I should let someone else learn from my mistakes and grow from them. So before we begin here are something’s you’ll need to know about me in order to understand why what happens in my life happens or just to help you make a picture of who I am in your mind. So here we go jumping into the unknown.
-I LOVE music, it runs my life, my mood can change from sad, to happy, to safe, to anything by just listening to one song. So I’m going to put up what song(s) I was listening to when I typed whatever it is I type, that way while you read you can get into my world a little bit more. So for this first “episode” if you will here is the music
-Colorblind: Counting Crows
-Someday: Bryan Greenberg
-Life is Beautiful: Vega4
-Enough For Now: The Fray
-Rise About This: Seether
-World on Fire: Sarah McLachlan
-
-I don’t go to church….Reason being…Long story….Every time I walk into a church I go into panic mode. I start to breath a little harder, my hands get a little hotter, my stomach fills with butterflies. I just feel out of place. It’s so silly but it’s true. The few times I have been in a church were when someone took me there, when I didn’t want to go. Every time they said it would be better, and every time it wasn’t. I doubt I will ever get over it. I’m not against god. I believe he is there and that he watches over me sometimes, but I don’t think I have to read the bible or go to a church just for him to listen to me. Too me he knows what I have done wrong in my life, what I regret, what I wish I could change, who I want to be and who I’ll become. I mean he has my whole life planned for me right? Well then he knows my mistakes I’ll make before I do. I don’t think that I need to tell the world my wrongs in order to get into heaven. And I also don’t think that he sends someone who has killed themselves to where ever people think they go. It doesn’t make sense to me, so there for I don’t see it as true. Moving along
-I have quite a few fears so here they are: I HATE the dark 99.9999% of the time, I worry I’ll end up alone, that I won’t be able to have children for some reason or another, failing, sharks….they are just scary, snakes are NOT normal, BUGS EW, heights with a BURNING passion, not being good enough, not being remembered once I die.
-I want more then anything to be a mom someday. To have that cute house in the nice naborhood with a husband who loves me for me, and as many kids as I can get away with. I have always wanted that. Since I was old enough to understand it. Why is this important? Because most of the things I do happen with that in mind. Sure some of my mistakes have been well dumb and not had that in mind, but at the same time most of the choices I make I make with the knowledge that all I want from life is to be a mother with a husband who loves me. It’s so Disney sounding but still. I truly believe that everyone has a fairy tale ending. And my fairy tale ending has a husband and kids.
-I doubt I’ll tell you all my mistakes and regrets because to tell the truth I am ashamed of most of them. But here are a few: Josh, Jay, not doing more in high school, letting dance rule my life, not speaking up all the times I wanted too. There are more I just can’t think of them at the moment….I mean its 4 am lol.
-I really don’t think I’m a very selfish person. Some people might say differently but I really believe that I am a kind person. I always see myself as the “mom” of a group, always trying to ease someone else’s pain while I let my own heart break. I throw myself into trying to solve other people’s problems when sometimes I just need to worry about my heart. I think being as…..compassionate and loving as I am is the reason I get hurt so much. The reason that I let other people who need to be wanted over come me. It’s silly but I dono. I back down from a lot because I see my needs as not being important when someone needs it more to feel…..Wanted? To tell the truth I think that’s why I backed down in dance so much. I didn’t need my teachers to love me like some of the girls I danced with did….I didn’t really need that constant praise they needed….Looking back I wish I hadn’t backed down, because by backing down I feel like sometimes I got ignored….Like I wasn’t appreciated as much as I felt I deserved. That sounds selfish but still. It’s not anyone’s fault that it happened but my own. I let people walk all over me. I know that, but at the same time when I did speak up, I wish more had been done about it. With all that said, I don’t want any drama for this.
For now that’s all I have in the things you need to know about me. I can always add more in later “episodes”.
So moving on let’s talk about the past 18 years of me. Wow that sounds selfish…… anyways here we go
Years 1-14
I don’t remember much of. Pretty much it was me getting picked on at school. Feeling like an outcast, and wanted someone to accept me. Wishing I was a part of a group who just got me. Needless to say it didn’t really happen for me. So when I started dancing at 10 I let it pretty much rule my life, because at the time I was safe there.
At the end of Freshman year
I got really sick. Doctors swore all I had was the flu. Until one day at school I left my math class to go see my dad. I had a temp, And was drenched in my own sweat. I was sensitive to light, sounds, I hurt all over. After yet another doctor’s appointment and a blood test the doctors found out that I had mono. Yeah fun right? I did not get it from kissing. Apparently there is another strand, my doctor thinks I did have a flu like illness but since my immune system was so weak I go mono from some surface at school. I ended up having to miss about 3 months of school because my liver and spleen were so enlarged if someone had hit me just right it would have ruptured one of them and killed me. I came back a lot weaker and thinner. I didn’t think anyone had noticed I was gone. I found out later that the Russian class I was in (my dad was the teacher) asked where I was a lot. But all dad said was that I was really sick. The doctor told me when it was time for my dance recital that I wasn’t allowed to dance, that my liver and spleen were still too enlarged and that if I fell just right I could die. Also that I was far too weak to get through it….I didn’t listen and that year I danced in 66 dances after the dress rehearsals and actual shows were over. I fell back stage during one of the shows, and lived to tell the tale. I wasn’t allowed to dance at all that summer. My stunt made my liver and spleen just a little worse, so I had to hang up my dance shoes so I could recover.
Year 15
I met Josh. You’ll see he was my number one mistake. To me at least. It was sophomore year and I still didn’t feel like I fit in. I was the daughter of a teacher who wasn’t liked so I got picked on for it. Which wasn’t new so it was easy to deal. But when I met Josh he swept me off my feet. I really thought he was the one….So sad, I remember the day he asked me out. I was in the parking lot of the school, after school playing with the key combo lock on his car, and he asked me if I would be his girlfriend. I said I would love to. At the time I thought love had finally found me now that I wasn’t looking for it. I was wrong. For a while it was amazing. I had never been so happy, people had stopped picking on me for the most part, he got me flowers, took me places, he changed my whole world. Then when things changed it all went to well…..hell sorry for the language. He started to get mean and distant. When I had heart surgery March 14, 2007 (More on this later) he came to see me twice. Once right after to bring me flowers, and one other time when I was really sick. I had gotten three infections at the operation site plus the stomach virus and he only came to see me once. After that he started to get meaner and I started to get paranoid. I was doing everything I could to keep him. I was so worried that he would leave and I wouldn’t find love ever again. Most of his being mean was emotional abuse. He would yell at me till I was in tears, say I didn’t love him, get mad if I didn’t call back or answer my phone, it pretty much just got really bad. My friends told me I had to end it, but I couldn’t. I don’t care what anyone says I know I loved him, and at the time I couldn’t let him go because of it. The night we broke up he was getting mad at me again, I can’t even remember why, and I just snapped. I started to yell into the phone telling him I was tired of how he treated me. I pretty much lost ALL control on my emotions. My mom ended up coming in the room pissed off and told me to get off the phone. And after a while I did. That was a Friday and his birthday was that weekend…My mom didn’t let me go to his house for it. That week at school we officially ended it. It was Junior year in January. We had been together for 13 months. For the longest time I wouldn’t tell anyone what really happened with us. How bad it really was, I was afraid people would judge him unfairly because of it. I learned that he was telling a whole bunch of lies about what happened, and that day is when I ended my silence on what REALLY happened. And up until I graduated on June 30th I STILL had people asking me if we were still together. For a while it was painful, but as I became me again I started to realize how bad our relationship was and how much he had controlled and changed me.
December – March 14, 2007
Wow ok so I was dancing one night and all the sudden I started having a really hard time breathing. My heart was racing, I couldn’t catch my breath it was all around bad. Well I started to panic. A few of the moms tried to take my pulse one of whom was a nurse and none of them could count it my pulse was to erratic. I sat out pretty much the rest of that night the moms told me not to dance. When my mom got there the moms told her what happened, my mom looked at the dance teachers and told them I was not allowed to dance until we knew what had caused it. My doctor referred me to one of the best cardiologists in the state. I had a tons of tests done. BP checks, stress test, heart ultrasound, EKGs, lots. The doctor did her tests and after looking at my EKGs said she thought I had Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome. A heart defect that presents itself anywhere from the ages of 15 to 50. She said she wanted to get a second opinion but she was 99% sure that was what was wrong with my heart. She got me a portable EKG machine to wear. I had three adhesive patches that stuck to my chest and plugged into a beeper looking thingy. Anytime I felt my heart race I had to push a button and it would record my heart beats. Then I had to go to a phone dial the 1800 number and send the recording over the phone. I would wait on the phone while the nurse on the other end looked at the EKG. Most of the time she told me ok talk to you later and I would hang up. A few times she told me to take deep breaths then do the EKG again and resend it, the doctor had explained before that if my heart rate got to out of control I was to call 911. I never had to call 911. After wearing the patches for one week they started to eat away my skin. I was allergic to the adhesive on them, to this day if you look hard enough you can see the circle scars. But the doctor told me it didn’t matter. I didn’t need the “beeper” anymore. She was sure I had WPW Syndrome. She then told me my options: Pills every day for the rest of my life, or a heart catheter oblation, AKA an operation. She explained that people with WPW have an extra nerve in their heart. The extra nerve for me worked as a pathway from chamber one of my heart to chamber three. Normal hearts go through chamber two to get to chamber three. My heart went through chamber two to three but also through the extra path that formed while I was in utero. It caused my heart to beat way too fast. She explained that the operation was radiofrequency or catheter ablation. In this, a flexible tube called a catheter is guided to the heart using the veins below my hips and one in my neck and after stimulating it to find where the extra pathway is that tissue is destroyed with radiofrequency energy or in my case by freezing it. After my operation I was told I would be up and about in three days; able to dance and go to school. But since this is me we’re talking about that didn’t happen at all. I can’t remember much but I believe I tried to go to school, but walking was too painful. I asked mom if I could stay home until I healed a little more since I was in much pain, But after a few days I couldn’t move at all. I was stuck in bed because moving hurt so bad I cried. The operation site also was badly bruised. I had been told to expect a little bruising, but I had a bruise the size of a baseball and what was worse a knot in the center the size of a golf ball. My mother called my heart doctor endlessly and she only told us to take me to the ER, well that costs my parents about $100 so I said just take me to my normal doctor. So to my doctor I went. After seeing him he was appalled they didn’t give me any pain medication, he also told me I had developed three infections in my left leg, and a large blood clot. I was given medication for the pain, and antibiotics for the infection, then a mild blood thinner to get rid of the clot. Needless to say I missed more school. However I went to dance every night and watched. I finaly got back to school and dance a few weeks later. Two weeks before my dance recital I couldn’t walk let alone dance. But when performance time came I was on stage and dancing.
Summer 2008 – Present
Well my next big mistake was named Jay. Let’s just say he was NOT worth my time. He ended up cheating on me with two people that I know of. And I can prove it. That summer without Jay was the best summer I have had in a long time. I got to spend time with one of my best friends who I now miss very much. My senior year was pretty good. I got a schedule I loved and I was happy. For the first time I was enjoying school. First semester was pretty good, the best part was getting to go to Disney with the school chorus and sing in the Candlelight Processional. It really was like the best thing in the world I loved every second of it! First semester ended and second semester started and it was also going really well. I had no major complaints. I learned a lot my last year of high school. I have always said that I didn’t care what people thought of me, and it was true. I realized more this year that it didn’t matter if I wore jeans and make up, or sweat pants. People were either going to like me or they weren’t. I learned to accept that sometimes life really sucks, but eventually it will get better. The last two weeks of school I was able to be with my best friend. I was walking in the great hall one morning and I heard this little voice telling me to look up and I did, then I looked back down. One second passed for I jerked my head up again screamed and ran to my best friend who I hadn’t seen in over 6 months. I didn’t realize how much I had missed her until I saw her, being the emotional person I am I cried lol. Then I started to spill my guts on everything. The biggest leasons I learned in high school were simple: Know who your real friends are & keep them close, be overly nice to everyone because sooner or later they will be nice to you, if you have to stand up for yourself do it. There are probably many more but at the moment I can’t think of them. Well that’s really all I have to say now is that I hope this helps someone out seems so silly but I really feel much better. So its 3 AM two days after I started typing goodnight everyone.
Hi all….
First let me say that what I put here is MY opinion. Not fact. I DO NOT want anyone to start leaving me comments telling me I am a drama starting female dog, because the fact of the matter is I’ll just delete you. I am tired of not saying what I need to say to get things off my chest and work them out. No one is making you read this. If you have a comment or question go for it ask! But don’t judge me for saying what I need to say.
With that said, I’m going to write a blogish type thing about everything that’s happened and is happening with me. I dono why I’m doing this….I mean I could just keep a diary but for some reason that’s not good enough….I feel like if I’m going to take the time to write or in this case type down what I’ve been through I should let someone else learn from my mistakes and grow from them. So before we begin here are something’s you’ll need to know about me in order to understand why what happens in my life happens or just to help you make a picture of who I am in your mind. So here we go jumping into the unknown.
-I LOVE music, it runs my life, my mood can change from sad, to happy, to safe, to anything by just listening to one song. So I’m going to put up what song(s) I was listening to when I typed whatever it is I type, that way while you read you can get into my world a little bit more. So for this first “episode” if you will here is the music
-Colorblind: Counting Crows
-Someday: Bryan Greenberg
-Life is Beautiful: Vega4
-Enough For Now: The Fray
-Rise About This: Seether
-World on Fire: Sarah McLachlan
-
-I don’t go to church….Reason being…Long story….Every time I walk into a church I go into panic mode. I start to breath a little harder, my hands get a little hotter, my stomach fills with butterflies. I just feel out of place. It’s so silly but it’s true. The few times I have been in a church were when someone took me there, when I didn’t want to go. Every time they said it would be better, and every time it wasn’t. I doubt I will ever get over it. I’m not against god. I believe he is there and that he watches over me sometimes, but I don’t think I have to read the bible or go to a church just for him to listen to me. Too me he knows what I have done wrong in my life, what I regret, what I wish I could change, who I want to be and who I’ll become. I mean he has my whole life planned for me right? Well then he knows my mistakes I’ll make before I do. I don’t think that I need to tell the world my wrongs in order to get into heaven. And I also don’t think that he sends someone who has killed themselves to where ever people think they go. It doesn’t make sense to me, so there for I don’t see it as true. Moving along
-I have quite a few fears so here they are: I HATE the dark 99.9999% of the time, I worry I’ll end up alone, that I won’t be able to have children for some reason or another, failing, sharks….they are just scary, snakes are NOT normal, BUGS EW, heights with a BURNING passion, not being good enough, not being remembered once I die.
-I want more then anything to be a mom someday. To have that cute house in the nice naborhood with a husband who loves me for me, and as many kids as I can get away with. I have always wanted that. Since I was old enough to understand it. Why is this important? Because most of the things I do happen with that in mind. Sure some of my mistakes have been well dumb and not had that in mind, but at the same time most of the choices I make I make with the knowledge that all I want from life is to be a mother with a husband who loves me. It’s so Disney sounding but still. I truly believe that everyone has a fairy tale ending. And my fairy tale ending has a husband and kids.
-I doubt I’ll tell you all my mistakes and regrets because to tell the truth I am ashamed of most of them. But here are a few: Josh, Jay, not doing more in high school, letting dance rule my life, not speaking up all the times I wanted too. There are more I just can’t think of them at the moment….I mean its 4 am lol.
-I really don’t think I’m a very selfish person. Some people might say differently but I really believe that I am a kind person. I always see myself as the “mom” of a group, always trying to ease someone else’s pain while I let my own heart break. I throw myself into trying to solve other people’s problems when sometimes I just need to worry about my heart. I think being as…..compassionate and loving as I am is the reason I get hurt so much. The reason that I let other people who need to be wanted over come me. It’s silly but I dono. I back down from a lot because I see my needs as not being important when someone needs it more to feel…..Wanted? To tell the truth I think that’s why I backed down in dance so much. I didn’t need my teachers to love me like some of the girls I danced with did….I didn’t really need that constant praise they needed….Looking back I wish I hadn’t backed down, because by backing down I feel like sometimes I got ignored….Like I wasn’t appreciated as much as I felt I deserved. That sounds selfish but still. It’s not anyone’s fault that it happened but my own. I let people walk all over me. I know that, but at the same time when I did speak up, I wish more had been done about it. With all that said, I don’t want any drama for this.
For now that’s all I have in the things you need to know about me. I can always add more in later “episodes”.
So moving on let’s talk about the past 18 years of me. Wow that sounds selfish…… anyways here we go
Years 1-14
I don’t remember much of. Pretty much it was me getting picked on at school. Feeling like an outcast, and wanted someone to accept me. Wishing I was a part of a group who just got me. Needless to say it didn’t really happen for me. So when I started dancing at 10 I let it pretty much rule my life, because at the time I was safe there.
At the end of Freshman year
I got really sick. Doctors swore all I had was the flu. Until one day at school I left my math class to go see my dad. I had a temp, And was drenched in my own sweat. I was sensitive to light, sounds, I hurt all over. After yet another doctor’s appointment and a blood test the doctors found out that I had mono. Yeah fun right? I did not get it from kissing. Apparently there is another strand, my doctor thinks I did have a flu like illness but since my immune system was so weak I go mono from some surface at school. I ended up having to miss about 3 months of school because my liver and spleen were so enlarged if someone had hit me just right it would have ruptured one of them and killed me. I came back a lot weaker and thinner. I didn’t think anyone had noticed I was gone. I found out later that the Russian class I was in (my dad was the teacher) asked where I was a lot. But all dad said was that I was really sick. The doctor told me when it was time for my dance recital that I wasn’t allowed to dance, that my liver and spleen were still too enlarged and that if I fell just right I could die. Also that I was far too weak to get through it….I didn’t listen and that year I danced in 66 dances after the dress rehearsals and actual shows were over. I fell back stage during one of the shows, and lived to tell the tale. I wasn’t allowed to dance at all that summer. My stunt made my liver and spleen just a little worse, so I had to hang up my dance shoes so I could recover.
Year 15
I met Josh. You’ll see he was my number one mistake. To me at least. It was sophomore year and I still didn’t feel like I fit in. I was the daughter of a teacher who wasn’t liked so I got picked on for it. Which wasn’t new so it was easy to deal. But when I met Josh he swept me off my feet. I really thought he was the one….So sad, I remember the day he asked me out. I was in the parking lot of the school, after school playing with the key combo lock on his car, and he asked me if I would be his girlfriend. I said I would love to. At the time I thought love had finally found me now that I wasn’t looking for it. I was wrong. For a while it was amazing. I had never been so happy, people had stopped picking on me for the most part, he got me flowers, took me places, he changed my whole world. Then when things changed it all went to well…..hell sorry for the language. He started to get mean and distant. When I had heart surgery March 14, 2007 (More on this later) he came to see me twice. Once right after to bring me flowers, and one other time when I was really sick. I had gotten three infections at the operation site plus the stomach virus and he only came to see me once. After that he started to get meaner and I started to get paranoid. I was doing everything I could to keep him. I was so worried that he would leave and I wouldn’t find love ever again. Most of his being mean was emotional abuse. He would yell at me till I was in tears, say I didn’t love him, get mad if I didn’t call back or answer my phone, it pretty much just got really bad. My friends told me I had to end it, but I couldn’t. I don’t care what anyone says I know I loved him, and at the time I couldn’t let him go because of it. The night we broke up he was getting mad at me again, I can’t even remember why, and I just snapped. I started to yell into the phone telling him I was tired of how he treated me. I pretty much lost ALL control on my emotions. My mom ended up coming in the room pissed off and told me to get off the phone. And after a while I did. That was a Friday and his birthday was that weekend…My mom didn’t let me go to his house for it. That week at school we officially ended it. It was Junior year in January. We had been together for 13 months. For the longest time I wouldn’t tell anyone what really happened with us. How bad it really was, I was afraid people would judge him unfairly because of it. I learned that he was telling a whole bunch of lies about what happened, and that day is when I ended my silence on what REALLY happened. And up until I graduated on June 30th I STILL had people asking me if we were still together. For a while it was painful, but as I became me again I started to realize how bad our relationship was and how much he had controlled and changed me.
December – March 14, 2007
Wow ok so I was dancing one night and all the sudden I started having a really hard time breathing. My heart was racing, I couldn’t catch my breath it was all around bad. Well I started to panic. A few of the moms tried to take my pulse one of whom was a nurse and none of them could count it my pulse was to erratic. I sat out pretty much the rest of that night the moms told me not to dance. When my mom got there the moms told her what happened, my mom looked at the dance teachers and told them I was not allowed to dance until we knew what had caused it. My doctor referred me to one of the best cardiologists in the state. I had a tons of tests done. BP checks, stress test, heart ultrasound, EKGs, lots. The doctor did her tests and after looking at my EKGs said she thought I had Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome. A heart defect that presents itself anywhere from the ages of 15 to 50. She said she wanted to get a second opinion but she was 99% sure that was what was wrong with my heart. She got me a portable EKG machine to wear. I had three adhesive patches that stuck to my chest and plugged into a beeper looking thingy. Anytime I felt my heart race I had to push a button and it would record my heart beats. Then I had to go to a phone dial the 1800 number and send the recording over the phone. I would wait on the phone while the nurse on the other end looked at the EKG. Most of the time she told me ok talk to you later and I would hang up. A few times she told me to take deep breaths then do the EKG again and resend it, the doctor had explained before that if my heart rate got to out of control I was to call 911. I never had to call 911. After wearing the patches for one week they started to eat away my skin. I was allergic to the adhesive on them, to this day if you look hard enough you can see the circle scars. But the doctor told me it didn’t matter. I didn’t need the “beeper” anymore. She was sure I had WPW Syndrome. She then told me my options: Pills every day for the rest of my life, or a heart catheter oblation, AKA an operation. She explained that people with WPW have an extra nerve in their heart. The extra nerve for me worked as a pathway from chamber one of my heart to chamber three. Normal hearts go through chamber two to get to chamber three. My heart went through chamber two to three but also through the extra path that formed while I was in utero. It caused my heart to beat way too fast. She explained that the operation was radiofrequency or catheter ablation. In this, a flexible tube called a catheter is guided to the heart using the veins below my hips and one in my neck and after stimulating it to find where the extra pathway is that tissue is destroyed with radiofrequency energy or in my case by freezing it. After my operation I was told I would be up and about in three days; able to dance and go to school. But since this is me we’re talking about that didn’t happen at all. I can’t remember much but I believe I tried to go to school, but walking was too painful. I asked mom if I could stay home until I healed a little more since I was in much pain, But after a few days I couldn’t move at all. I was stuck in bed because moving hurt so bad I cried. The operation site also was badly bruised. I had been told to expect a little bruising, but I had a bruise the size of a baseball and what was worse a knot in the center the size of a golf ball. My mother called my heart doctor endlessly and she only told us to take me to the ER, well that costs my parents about $100 so I said just take me to my normal doctor. So to my doctor I went. After seeing him he was appalled they didn’t give me any pain medication, he also told me I had developed three infections in my left leg, and a large blood clot. I was given medication for the pain, and antibiotics for the infection, then a mild blood thinner to get rid of the clot. Needless to say I missed more school. However I went to dance every night and watched. I finaly got back to school and dance a few weeks later. Two weeks before my dance recital I couldn’t walk let alone dance. But when performance time came I was on stage and dancing.
Summer 2008 – Present
Well my next big mistake was named Jay. Let’s just say he was NOT worth my time. He ended up cheating on me with two people that I know of. And I can prove it. That summer without Jay was the best summer I have had in a long time. I got to spend time with one of my best friends who I now miss very much. My senior year was pretty good. I got a schedule I loved and I was happy. For the first time I was enjoying school. First semester was pretty good, the best part was getting to go to Disney with the school chorus and sing in the Candlelight Processional. It really was like the best thing in the world I loved every second of it! First semester ended and second semester started and it was also going really well. I had no major complaints. I learned a lot my last year of high school. I have always said that I didn’t care what people thought of me, and it was true. I realized more this year that it didn’t matter if I wore jeans and make up, or sweat pants. People were either going to like me or they weren’t. I learned to accept that sometimes life really sucks, but eventually it will get better. The last two weeks of school I was able to be with my best friend. I was walking in the great hall one morning and I heard this little voice telling me to look up and I did, then I looked back down. One second passed for I jerked my head up again screamed and ran to my best friend who I hadn’t seen in over 6 months. I didn’t realize how much I had missed her until I saw her, being the emotional person I am I cried lol. Then I started to spill my guts on everything. The biggest leasons I learned in high school were simple: Know who your real friends are & keep them close, be overly nice to everyone because sooner or later they will be nice to you, if you have to stand up for yourself do it. There are probably many more but at the moment I can’t think of them. Well that’s really all I have to say now is that I hope this helps someone out seems so silly but I really feel much better. So its 3 AM two days after I started typing goodnight everyone.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Lots
Wow ok so I have a HUGE update....Ready...Set...go!
Michael's visit was amazing. We had an amazing time together. It was easy to talk in person just like it is over te so different he phone and texting. He makes me laugh, he spoiled me rotten, he was sweet, it was just. Omg it was amazing. That's all there is to say. We hung out at his grandparents Sunday night and watched movies, also amazing. We just get along together so weel and that was a MAJOR weight off of my shoulders. I love him. I can truly say that I love Michael so much. I don't know what I would do without him. I haven't felt this way about anyone since "the mistake". Which when I told an ex that it really upset him, but it's true. I haven't been that happy in so long, and it felt so good to just be happy. To not be afraid of what he thought. To not worry about if I was good enough. To just be me. I loved that feeling more than anything.
I am in San Francisco visiting my sister right now. I love her to death. I would give my life for my sister, but at the same time she doesn't understand me sometimes. We are so different from each other. She loves school and learning new things and being pretty close to the best at everything. Where with me I don't care if I am the best or worse at most things. I don't care about being the best at my job. I mean for gods sake one of my life dreams has ALWAYS been to be a mother. To stay at home and take care of a family. My sister just can't understand or accept that. Which can sometimes make it really hard for us to always get along. She reads my facebook like its a book. Which makes it hard for me to just be me, which has always been really important to me. I always feel very....Judged when I'm around her. And I don't know how to handle it. But I do love her very much. And Like I said I would give my life for her.
Anywho I am gunna watch a show with my sister then go to bed. I am really tired, and I have a small cold which majorly sucks. Goodnight all.
And remember, we're all a little mad here.
Michael's visit was amazing. We had an amazing time together. It was easy to talk in person just like it is over te so different he phone and texting. He makes me laugh, he spoiled me rotten, he was sweet, it was just. Omg it was amazing. That's all there is to say. We hung out at his grandparents Sunday night and watched movies, also amazing. We just get along together so weel and that was a MAJOR weight off of my shoulders. I love him. I can truly say that I love Michael so much. I don't know what I would do without him. I haven't felt this way about anyone since "the mistake". Which when I told an ex that it really upset him, but it's true. I haven't been that happy in so long, and it felt so good to just be happy. To not be afraid of what he thought. To not worry about if I was good enough. To just be me. I loved that feeling more than anything.
I am in San Francisco visiting my sister right now. I love her to death. I would give my life for my sister, but at the same time she doesn't understand me sometimes. We are so different from each other. She loves school and learning new things and being pretty close to the best at everything. Where with me I don't care if I am the best or worse at most things. I don't care about being the best at my job. I mean for gods sake one of my life dreams has ALWAYS been to be a mother. To stay at home and take care of a family. My sister just can't understand or accept that. Which can sometimes make it really hard for us to always get along. She reads my facebook like its a book. Which makes it hard for me to just be me, which has always been really important to me. I always feel very....Judged when I'm around her. And I don't know how to handle it. But I do love her very much. And Like I said I would give my life for her.
Anywho I am gunna watch a show with my sister then go to bed. I am really tired, and I have a small cold which majorly sucks. Goodnight all.
And remember, we're all a little mad here.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Happy
I am on cloud 9....Omg....I will write more later with details. I think my heart might melt from joy :)
remember, we're all a little mad here
remember, we're all a little mad here
Friday, May 28, 2010
I just wanna run
Wow. It has been a long damn day.
First Michael can't get here because no one would rent him a car. FML. So I don't know if we'll be able to spend time together tomorrow. I hope we can.
Then I went to the mall to get some new eye shadow. Well the woman who I always buy from had her kids there, so she told me to go say hi since I had never met them before, so I did. Her daughter is like 9 and her son is like 6. I would like to say before I continue that she should not have had her kids there while she was working. Anyways so I went and talked to them for a bit, I told them how they were much better at drawing than I was and ya know was just trying to be nice. Well he son wanted to cut a rubber band and I didn't want him to cut himself so I helped him. Well then he started to hit things with the rubber band and every time he kept getting closer to his face, worried he would get hurt I said, "he why are you beating the makeup that isn't very nice" smile and took it from him he didn't really seem to give a damn. I told him that Tinkerbell took it to use on her house in neverland. Well after a while he and his sister kept getting more and more mean. They were poking me and just being brats! Well I had put the rubber band in my moms purse. So when he finaly asked for it back I didn't have it because she had gone to the bathroom. Well when i couldn't stall anymore because he was getting upset it seemed I pretended to call Tinkerbell and told her I would come get it. So I walked away to get it and then gave it back to him after asking him to ask for it nicely since he was being rude and demanding to me, someone who is his elder, he asked nicely and I gave it back, smiled and then they started to be rude and call me mean and said I need to get out and there is the door so go. And I said well I need to get somethings from your mother. Trying to stay calm and understand these are kids and they obviousely have attitude problems. Well I talked to their mom and ended up getting eye liner. While she was ringing us up she said "Mary you're just too much to handle for 6 and 9 year olds" bla bla bla "you're not good with them". Talk about a freakin stab in the gut. So I ignored it and walked away. As mom and I were leaving we stoped to look at a purse and the next thing I know she is calling me back over there. So I say, "Did I forget something" as I walk over and go through a mental run of everything I had with me. Before I even finish my thought she says, "yeah you did" I gave her a confused look. She then says. "I think you owe my son an apology because you made him cry with how mean you were to him". I could not believe my ears at all. I didn't even know what to say I was in such shock. So I said, "Well I'm sorry if I upset you I was only trying to joke with you" then she goes into this long rant on how he asked for the rubber band many times before I gave it back and I told her well I didn't hear him ask for it before he did and if he did in fact ask for it I didn't hear him and that it wasn't my intention to be mean. Then she says some other things about how to them it was a big deal and they came and told her I was mean and then she said, "SO I told them I just need to get Mary out of here because she doesn't understand them". I could NOT believe what I had just heard. Not even a little. I said well I'm sorry I upset you to her son then said do you think I could have a hug, and she says "thats not a good idea" with an attitude. I was like WTF!? Whatever. Then I walked away. My mother over heard a little of the convo and said we would not be buying makeup from her again. That she just shot herself in the foot. We get into the car and try to leave and this woman comes outside and tries to flag us down I tell mom she says I don't care. Being a nice person I say well it would be rude to ignore her, so I open the door to the car and say, "we just got word on my grandma we have to go" (more on that later) so she said some bs that I didn't listen to because by this point I have lost all respect for her. Then I go to close the car door when shes done and she fucking slams it!!! WTF! Ug so I get home and start crying because I am so upset over her saying I wasn't good with kids. I mean does she have any idea who she is talking to!? I TAUGHT DANCE FOR GODS SAKE! I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE KIDS HERS WERE JUST THE BIGGEST PAINS IN THE ASSES EVER!
THEN I get home and dad ends up yelling at me because of the phone bill which wasn't all my fault. So I was already upset and then he pulls that and I end up crying even more.
PLUS my grandmother is in the hospital again so my mom might have to go to Florida asap. Which means I might have to follow after my babysitting gig this week.
The only bright side of my day is that Michael still has a chance of being able to see me and my friend Jacob called and reported the lady who yelled at me. Saying he and his wife tried to buy her some new make up but they couldn't talk to them because she was too busy yelling at another customer. Take that bitch. Ug. so I am going to take a nice bubble bath then get in bed with either music or a movie and a book. Maybe even write a little we'll see.
Remember, we're all a little mad here.
First Michael can't get here because no one would rent him a car. FML. So I don't know if we'll be able to spend time together tomorrow. I hope we can.
Then I went to the mall to get some new eye shadow. Well the woman who I always buy from had her kids there, so she told me to go say hi since I had never met them before, so I did. Her daughter is like 9 and her son is like 6. I would like to say before I continue that she should not have had her kids there while she was working. Anyways so I went and talked to them for a bit, I told them how they were much better at drawing than I was and ya know was just trying to be nice. Well he son wanted to cut a rubber band and I didn't want him to cut himself so I helped him. Well then he started to hit things with the rubber band and every time he kept getting closer to his face, worried he would get hurt I said, "he why are you beating the makeup that isn't very nice" smile and took it from him he didn't really seem to give a damn. I told him that Tinkerbell took it to use on her house in neverland. Well after a while he and his sister kept getting more and more mean. They were poking me and just being brats! Well I had put the rubber band in my moms purse. So when he finaly asked for it back I didn't have it because she had gone to the bathroom. Well when i couldn't stall anymore because he was getting upset it seemed I pretended to call Tinkerbell and told her I would come get it. So I walked away to get it and then gave it back to him after asking him to ask for it nicely since he was being rude and demanding to me, someone who is his elder, he asked nicely and I gave it back, smiled and then they started to be rude and call me mean and said I need to get out and there is the door so go. And I said well I need to get somethings from your mother. Trying to stay calm and understand these are kids and they obviousely have attitude problems. Well I talked to their mom and ended up getting eye liner. While she was ringing us up she said "Mary you're just too much to handle for 6 and 9 year olds" bla bla bla "you're not good with them". Talk about a freakin stab in the gut. So I ignored it and walked away. As mom and I were leaving we stoped to look at a purse and the next thing I know she is calling me back over there. So I say, "Did I forget something" as I walk over and go through a mental run of everything I had with me. Before I even finish my thought she says, "yeah you did" I gave her a confused look. She then says. "I think you owe my son an apology because you made him cry with how mean you were to him". I could not believe my ears at all. I didn't even know what to say I was in such shock. So I said, "Well I'm sorry if I upset you I was only trying to joke with you" then she goes into this long rant on how he asked for the rubber band many times before I gave it back and I told her well I didn't hear him ask for it before he did and if he did in fact ask for it I didn't hear him and that it wasn't my intention to be mean. Then she says some other things about how to them it was a big deal and they came and told her I was mean and then she said, "SO I told them I just need to get Mary out of here because she doesn't understand them". I could NOT believe what I had just heard. Not even a little. I said well I'm sorry I upset you to her son then said do you think I could have a hug, and she says "thats not a good idea" with an attitude. I was like WTF!? Whatever. Then I walked away. My mother over heard a little of the convo and said we would not be buying makeup from her again. That she just shot herself in the foot. We get into the car and try to leave and this woman comes outside and tries to flag us down I tell mom she says I don't care. Being a nice person I say well it would be rude to ignore her, so I open the door to the car and say, "we just got word on my grandma we have to go" (more on that later) so she said some bs that I didn't listen to because by this point I have lost all respect for her. Then I go to close the car door when shes done and she fucking slams it!!! WTF! Ug so I get home and start crying because I am so upset over her saying I wasn't good with kids. I mean does she have any idea who she is talking to!? I TAUGHT DANCE FOR GODS SAKE! I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE KIDS HERS WERE JUST THE BIGGEST PAINS IN THE ASSES EVER!
THEN I get home and dad ends up yelling at me because of the phone bill which wasn't all my fault. So I was already upset and then he pulls that and I end up crying even more.
PLUS my grandmother is in the hospital again so my mom might have to go to Florida asap. Which means I might have to follow after my babysitting gig this week.
The only bright side of my day is that Michael still has a chance of being able to see me and my friend Jacob called and reported the lady who yelled at me. Saying he and his wife tried to buy her some new make up but they couldn't talk to them because she was too busy yelling at another customer. Take that bitch. Ug. so I am going to take a nice bubble bath then get in bed with either music or a movie and a book. Maybe even write a little we'll see.
Remember, we're all a little mad here.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
sigh
LIGHTS - Saviour= wonderful music that I am listening to as I type...
I have been thinking a lot about my last post.... I am afraid...I don't want to have to say goodbye to all these people I know who are now in the Military...I don't want to have to worry that the next time I lay my eyes on them might be the last. that scares me so much. Sigh....I just...I don't know...I guess writing that over and over is pointless huh....Ok I'm done then...bye all...
and remember, We're all a little mad here.
I have been thinking a lot about my last post.... I am afraid...I don't want to have to say goodbye to all these people I know who are now in the Military...I don't want to have to worry that the next time I lay my eyes on them might be the last. that scares me so much. Sigh....I just...I don't know...I guess writing that over and over is pointless huh....Ok I'm done then...bye all...
and remember, We're all a little mad here.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Wrote on 5-21-10
5-21-10
Wow….so I didn’t think Jesse would be someone I was interested in…But I am…Wow…Idk what to do….I guess I should start from the top huh? Ok here we go.
Middle school ex- This is over. I mean like he didn’t want to tell me what was going on because he didn’t want to hurt me. Yeah sure whatever. So it’s over
Michael- We’re still complicated….He told me a few things that idk how to deal with….I mean yes I really like him, love him even…I just..I don’t know….Maybe sometimes how….intense he is about how he feels scares me…I just don’t know…I mean really that’s all I can say. I don’t know. He’ll be here soon I hope and maybe we can deal with whatever it is we are….And where we want to go…Or can go…
Jesse- Well….He was someone I never expected to like. I mean really never in a ZILLION years! He is quite a few things that he does that make me wanna yell at him….Like his inability to be ANYWHERE on time it seems. His bad smoking habit. His changing plans 6000000000 times in one hour. But then again…There are things I like about him….Like how silly he can be. How random he is. I don’t know….That should really be my theme, “Hi I’m Mary and I never know what I want”. Ug. But he is going back to Afghanistan soon. And I don’t know how I can deal with that. I mean with Michael I’ll have more time to prepare….Jesse. He will be gone in a little more than a week and that scares me. It scares me that so many people I love, never mind in what way I love them, are going to war and there is a good chance they won’t come back. That I’ll say goodbye to them as they leave and it could be the last time I ever see them. The last time they ever smile at me. Or tell me I’m crazy for calling myself fat. Or kick my ass at a fight in the pool. I mean thinking about it now I am starting to cry. I wish I could protect them, but they are going somewhere that I can’t keep them safe. I just don’t know what to do.
Here is what I do know:
-I want all my loved ones safe
-I want them all to come back alive and unharmed
-I want to be happy
-I want whoever it is that makes me happy to be able to be around…Which could be a high order for someone in the Army
-I want a family someday
That’s all I have for now…I hope to have answers soon. I guess I’ll find out. This blog has become more of a way for me to vent rather than about scrapbooking, which is the whole reason I started it lol. Go figure right!
Remember, we’re all a little mad here <3
Wow….so I didn’t think Jesse would be someone I was interested in…But I am…Wow…Idk what to do….I guess I should start from the top huh? Ok here we go.
Middle school ex- This is over. I mean like he didn’t want to tell me what was going on because he didn’t want to hurt me. Yeah sure whatever. So it’s over
Michael- We’re still complicated….He told me a few things that idk how to deal with….I mean yes I really like him, love him even…I just..I don’t know….Maybe sometimes how….intense he is about how he feels scares me…I just don’t know…I mean really that’s all I can say. I don’t know. He’ll be here soon I hope and maybe we can deal with whatever it is we are….And where we want to go…Or can go…
Jesse- Well….He was someone I never expected to like. I mean really never in a ZILLION years! He is quite a few things that he does that make me wanna yell at him….Like his inability to be ANYWHERE on time it seems. His bad smoking habit. His changing plans 6000000000 times in one hour. But then again…There are things I like about him….Like how silly he can be. How random he is. I don’t know….That should really be my theme, “Hi I’m Mary and I never know what I want”. Ug. But he is going back to Afghanistan soon. And I don’t know how I can deal with that. I mean with Michael I’ll have more time to prepare….Jesse. He will be gone in a little more than a week and that scares me. It scares me that so many people I love, never mind in what way I love them, are going to war and there is a good chance they won’t come back. That I’ll say goodbye to them as they leave and it could be the last time I ever see them. The last time they ever smile at me. Or tell me I’m crazy for calling myself fat. Or kick my ass at a fight in the pool. I mean thinking about it now I am starting to cry. I wish I could protect them, but they are going somewhere that I can’t keep them safe. I just don’t know what to do.
Here is what I do know:
-I want all my loved ones safe
-I want them all to come back alive and unharmed
-I want to be happy
-I want whoever it is that makes me happy to be able to be around…Which could be a high order for someone in the Army
-I want a family someday
That’s all I have for now…I hope to have answers soon. I guess I’ll find out. This blog has become more of a way for me to vent rather than about scrapbooking, which is the whole reason I started it lol. Go figure right!
Remember, we’re all a little mad here <3
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Money issues
Why is it that every time my family has a money problem they bitch at me? I just don't get it. Ug. And why is my dad such a jerk? I dono.
Went to the pool at like 11:30am and stayed there until like 5. I was hanging out with a friend of mine from middle school (not my ex). He just got back from Afghanistan for about two weeks. It was nice seeing him. We might go to a movie tonight we'll see. Anyways I'm not really in the mood to write I just needed to vent a little. waiting for Michael to call and Jesse about the movie (Jesse is the friend of mine lol). Write more later maybe
Oh and btw I am so sun burned I look purple :( lol oh well I'll live. thank god for pain free sun stuff. :)
Remember, we're all a little mad here :)
Went to the pool at like 11:30am and stayed there until like 5. I was hanging out with a friend of mine from middle school (not my ex). He just got back from Afghanistan for about two weeks. It was nice seeing him. We might go to a movie tonight we'll see. Anyways I'm not really in the mood to write I just needed to vent a little. waiting for Michael to call and Jesse about the movie (Jesse is the friend of mine lol). Write more later maybe
Oh and btw I am so sun burned I look purple :( lol oh well I'll live. thank god for pain free sun stuff. :)
Remember, we're all a little mad here :)
Monday, May 10, 2010
Music Saves
To start.....three cheers for five years - mayday parade
It has been a while since I wrote. I finished with my first year of college. It feels so weird. To know that in 3 years I will be done and on my own...I'm ready...I hope.
I feel really lost. I mean...UG!
Middle school ex is just.....Complicated to say the least lol. That really is all I know. Is that this is complicated and it makes life 100% harder when he won't open up to me and tell me how he feels about stuff. It's making me crazy!
Michael and I still fight a lot....It is also making me crazy. The plan is he'll be able to come see me May 28th-31st.....We'll see if it happens this time...I hope it does...I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I just...I don't know what to do and because I am who I am not knowing what to do makes me feel even more out of control than I already do which adds to my stress MAJORLY! I just wish I could close my eyes and everything would just stop. No more being lost over all this drama, no more not being able to sleep. Just for it to all stop. UG! Fml. And I just realized the story I was writing got left in FL in my storage unit. UG! I freaking hate this x1000000000000000.99
Remember we're all a little mad here.
It has been a while since I wrote. I finished with my first year of college. It feels so weird. To know that in 3 years I will be done and on my own...I'm ready...I hope.
I feel really lost. I mean...UG!
Middle school ex is just.....Complicated to say the least lol. That really is all I know. Is that this is complicated and it makes life 100% harder when he won't open up to me and tell me how he feels about stuff. It's making me crazy!
Michael and I still fight a lot....It is also making me crazy. The plan is he'll be able to come see me May 28th-31st.....We'll see if it happens this time...I hope it does...I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I just...I don't know what to do and because I am who I am not knowing what to do makes me feel even more out of control than I already do which adds to my stress MAJORLY! I just wish I could close my eyes and everything would just stop. No more being lost over all this drama, no more not being able to sleep. Just for it to all stop. UG! Fml. And I just realized the story I was writing got left in FL in my storage unit. UG! I freaking hate this x1000000000000000.99
Remember we're all a little mad here.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Just Lost
I don't know. Its been a while since I posted last. I don't really know how I feel about much of anything.
Drama with the middle school ex. I haven't heard from him since his last letter I got on like the 8th...It is now with 17th. He told me somethings...But he also said he doesn't know what to do. And because of that I feel...Stuck..Lost..and so many other things...I just...I guess I just can't see why it's so hard for him is all. I hope I get some answers soon because I feel like I'm going crazy.
School is almost over. I'm trying to pack up my stuff now. But I ran out of boxes. I still feel like this isn't what I wanted from my life. But this is where I am so I guess this is what I have to live with for now...
Michael. We are in a pretty hard place right now. About a week ago someone else kissed me. And I let them. I dono how I feel about that. Michael and I had a huge fight over it which is 100% understandable. I just...I feel so alone here. I mean I want someone I can go to when I'm upset and the fact that I haven't seen Michael in over 5 years just makes this so much harder on us. We are "broken up" but we are working on it. I regret kissing Nick because of the problems it caused with Michael and I but at the same time I don't regret it because it was the first time in a while that I didn't feel so......Ignored. I dono if that makes sense but that's how I feel.
"The Mistake" is happy which makes me unhappy. I really don't understand why I care. I might go talk to the consular about all the issues I have over him. Maybe I will finally be able to get over him if I do.
But for now I guess that's all I have to say about my issues. I hope I get some answers soon and I hope I ca find some peace. Until next time remember,
We're all a little mad here.
Drama with the middle school ex. I haven't heard from him since his last letter I got on like the 8th...It is now with 17th. He told me somethings...But he also said he doesn't know what to do. And because of that I feel...Stuck..Lost..and so many other things...I just...I guess I just can't see why it's so hard for him is all. I hope I get some answers soon because I feel like I'm going crazy.
School is almost over. I'm trying to pack up my stuff now. But I ran out of boxes. I still feel like this isn't what I wanted from my life. But this is where I am so I guess this is what I have to live with for now...
Michael. We are in a pretty hard place right now. About a week ago someone else kissed me. And I let them. I dono how I feel about that. Michael and I had a huge fight over it which is 100% understandable. I just...I feel so alone here. I mean I want someone I can go to when I'm upset and the fact that I haven't seen Michael in over 5 years just makes this so much harder on us. We are "broken up" but we are working on it. I regret kissing Nick because of the problems it caused with Michael and I but at the same time I don't regret it because it was the first time in a while that I didn't feel so......Ignored. I dono if that makes sense but that's how I feel.
"The Mistake" is happy which makes me unhappy. I really don't understand why I care. I might go talk to the consular about all the issues I have over him. Maybe I will finally be able to get over him if I do.
But for now I guess that's all I have to say about my issues. I hope I get some answers soon and I hope I ca find some peace. Until next time remember,
We're all a little mad here.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
And with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt
Wow....Resently I feel like I have been trying to forgive myself for just being around. Kinda like I'm a waste of a person. I have a few close friends. Not many people really know my name. Now I understand life isn't about that but still. I dono all boy drama aside I feel lost as a person. College isn't what I really wanted with my life. I wanted a family of my own. I wanted to work in disney, scrapbook, dance, get married, be a mother. I wanted that not more school. I just dono any more. I worry that the life I want is slipping away from me and there isn't anything I can do about it.
Gah if my sister read this she would say, "You can't have babies until your age begins with a 3!" But again I don't want what she wants with life. I want to be a mother. I wanna spend hours making the perfect Valentine's day box and birthday invites and party hats, and endless nights of no sleep, and making the baby blanket, and just doing mommy things. Ug. Life is so different now then it used to be. If I lived in the 18oo's I can bet that I would be saying I want to go to more school since I would be forced to be a mother of at least one by now. But Idk about that either. The kind of person that I am needs to take care of people. As sad as it sounds I need to be needed.
Ug. I need to work on a paper and just scrapbook now. I feel so stressed out! Ug. By all and remember we're all a little mad here.
Gah if my sister read this she would say, "You can't have babies until your age begins with a 3!" But again I don't want what she wants with life. I want to be a mother. I wanna spend hours making the perfect Valentine's day box and birthday invites and party hats, and endless nights of no sleep, and making the baby blanket, and just doing mommy things. Ug. Life is so different now then it used to be. If I lived in the 18oo's I can bet that I would be saying I want to go to more school since I would be forced to be a mother of at least one by now. But Idk about that either. The kind of person that I am needs to take care of people. As sad as it sounds I need to be needed.
Ug. I need to work on a paper and just scrapbook now. I feel so stressed out! Ug. By all and remember we're all a little mad here.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
And its been a while....
Well....Where to begin. I got a letter from my Middle School Ex. It was everything I needed it to be. Michael and I are still the same.
But the thing I have been really thinking about it death. Morbid yeah I know....But here is the thing. I wonder a lot what people will do when i die. I mean think about it. Go onto youtube and look at the videos people make for lost loved ones. Will someone do that for me? What song would they use? I dono just a thought I keep having. I mean would people who hated me and made fun of me go to say goodbye? Would one of my real friends kick their ass for showing their face? Damn I hope so! I would be floating around cheering the fight on. Then after a few min get pissed off if people weren't crying. I dono it is just something that hits me every so often....So here are a few lyrics that I liked. Its With you in your dreams by Hanson
But If I'm gone when you wake up
Please don't cry
And if I'm gone when you wake up
Please don't sigh
Don't look back at this time
As a time of heartbreak and distress
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'll be with you
I'll be with you in your dreams
Remember, we're all a little mad here.
But the thing I have been really thinking about it death. Morbid yeah I know....But here is the thing. I wonder a lot what people will do when i die. I mean think about it. Go onto youtube and look at the videos people make for lost loved ones. Will someone do that for me? What song would they use? I dono just a thought I keep having. I mean would people who hated me and made fun of me go to say goodbye? Would one of my real friends kick their ass for showing their face? Damn I hope so! I would be floating around cheering the fight on. Then after a few min get pissed off if people weren't crying. I dono it is just something that hits me every so often....So here are a few lyrics that I liked. Its With you in your dreams by Hanson
But If I'm gone when you wake up
Please don't cry
And if I'm gone when you wake up
Please don't sigh
Don't look back at this time
As a time of heartbreak and distress
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'll be with you
I'll be with you in your dreams
Remember, we're all a little mad here.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Guy Drama...Again
First off that's the thing I made for Michael :) yay me! Also I am listening to Paramore while I type this. Just in case you care. Mostly "We are Broken"
Now to the big stuff.....
So we all know from my last post that there is the whole two guy issue going on in my life. I haven't heard from my ex since he got to bootcamp and I have no idea why. Right now so many worries are going through my head like: "Has he realized I wasn't worth it and left me here wondering what if?" "Did something bad happen" "Did he loose my address?" There is just so much racing through my mind. I really hope he's ok.
But I came up with a plan for Michael and I so that we could get through the two guy thing as best we could until I had time to find out if there was something with the ex. Also I told him I couldn't choose one of them until I got a romantic "date" type thing with each of them....So the plan was that for now nothing with us will change and we will go on as we have been. And when we see each other face to face again then we'll go from there. When I get to spend more time with my ex and him in a romantic evening fashion then I will choose.
Well Michael and I got into a huge fight last night over this. Like much yelling and bull shits and just lots of bad stuff was said. I sent him a text this am (he is in AIT now so he can have his phone most of the time) saying I was sorry for how I said things but not for saying them. One of his things was I keep throwing in his face how I can't make up my mind. But I believe with all my heart that I don't do that. Yes I have talked about my ex to him. but he asked me about him, and it was relivent to the conversation we were having at the times. i got angry and had to be a bitch in order to be heard. I felt like he was only seeing his side and wasn't bothering to listen to me at all. And that plus some of the things he was saying really hurt me. I just don't know what to do. I am tired of people telling me to be strong for him, and that I have to just let things go because he is risking his life and could be killed at any moment. I understand that. believe me I know that it only takes one mistake, one second for him to be gone forever... But at the same time I felt like I wasn't important enough to be listened to. Or to even have my feeling thought about. God. This just over all sucks ass. Any ways....I bet the isn't anyone who reads this but me. I'm gunna go. I have a meeting with Paul (teacher)to learn IPA and talk about next year. Bye all and remember,
We're all a little mad here.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Thoughts: Guys
ok so there is gunna be a lot in this post so stick with me....
Michael: We all know how I feel about him.
The Ex: My ex boy friend from middle school resently came back into my life, and I have been wondering if anything would come from it.....The catch? He has a baby and if getting a devorce when he gets done with bootcamp. That's right. He is in the Navy. I know I know I couldn't pick someone who was staying close by. But the thing is I don't even understand why I like him again. It just kinda happened. But nothing will happen until it's over with his wife. And even then I plan on walking on this ice very carefuly. I mean I don't want to be the rebound for him. I went and saw him today a few times. The first time I talked to him again in five years was on the playground near my house. We just talked for a little bit then he had to leave so I hugged him, told him to be safe, and we parted ways. But then he saw me walking home and asked if I wanted a ride, and I said if you want to I don't care either way, he said well then get in. So I did. I thought it was nice of him not to want me to walk home alone, even though the playground is less than a mile from my house.
So where does this leave Michael and I? I really don't know...I mean I never really knew where Michael and I stood to begin with. With the whole not seeing him in four years, and now he can't come see me like he planned because of the army. The truth is I don't know what I want. I can't stop looking for my fairy tale. I dono. But the worst part is it's not like I can go out on a date with each of them and see who I click better with. Their both in some branch of the Military. Both of them are great guys, both can make me laugh, both want to help me get back to the person I was going to be before "The mistake", both want to help heal my heart. I just don't know....
In other news. The whole wanting to not be so fat. I'm gunna try again, and maybe this time I will be able to keep with it. Gatta kick my moms butt!
Michael: We all know how I feel about him.
The Ex: My ex boy friend from middle school resently came back into my life, and I have been wondering if anything would come from it.....The catch? He has a baby and if getting a devorce when he gets done with bootcamp. That's right. He is in the Navy. I know I know I couldn't pick someone who was staying close by. But the thing is I don't even understand why I like him again. It just kinda happened. But nothing will happen until it's over with his wife. And even then I plan on walking on this ice very carefuly. I mean I don't want to be the rebound for him. I went and saw him today a few times. The first time I talked to him again in five years was on the playground near my house. We just talked for a little bit then he had to leave so I hugged him, told him to be safe, and we parted ways. But then he saw me walking home and asked if I wanted a ride, and I said if you want to I don't care either way, he said well then get in. So I did. I thought it was nice of him not to want me to walk home alone, even though the playground is less than a mile from my house.
So where does this leave Michael and I? I really don't know...I mean I never really knew where Michael and I stood to begin with. With the whole not seeing him in four years, and now he can't come see me like he planned because of the army. The truth is I don't know what I want. I can't stop looking for my fairy tale. I dono. But the worst part is it's not like I can go out on a date with each of them and see who I click better with. Their both in some branch of the Military. Both of them are great guys, both can make me laugh, both want to help me get back to the person I was going to be before "The mistake", both want to help heal my heart. I just don't know....
In other news. The whole wanting to not be so fat. I'm gunna try again, and maybe this time I will be able to keep with it. Gatta kick my moms butt!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Music = Perrin Lamb - "Be This Way"
Stuck in my head. I cannot seem to stop thinking. It is making me crazy let me tell you! I found out Michael is coming to see me! I cannot wait. But with the joy of it comes worry.....I mean I haven't been flesh to flesh next to him in over 4 years.....that's a long freakin time! I mean, I don't even know how we'll act around each other! I have changed so much since I was a freshman in High School. There are some mornings I wake up, look in the mirror and think, "How did you become this person?" What was the point that really changed me? I mean I guess it doesn't really matter. But I worry that even though he knows I'm different he'll expect me to be who I was, not who I am. And I am afraid that because of that we won't work. I mean we are in something that is sort of like a relationship.....But email, phone calls, letters, and texting are WAY WAY different from being around each other! I mean you can hit it off with someone that way but when your face to face its like OMG WE SO DO NOT WORK!!! I dono I have a feeling that I am over thinking this big time. But again that is just part of who I am. I over think, and worry, and freak out over what could be the worst so that if I have to face it I can deal. I wonder if I always did that or if it started after mono, my heart, and "the mistake"......I don't know. And I am willing to bet I never will. Welp......I think I'll go find things I can pack up to take home.....Night (eventualy) and remember,
We're all a little mad here.
We're all a little mad here.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Cannot Sleep
Welp Here is what has been going on in my life the last few days....
Gamma Phi Beta: Well I can't do it this year because I have a 2.48 GPA rather than a 2.5....Its super dumb and made me mad. However i can rush next year and by then maybe my family will be in better standing with money, or I'll be able to drive, have a car, and be able to get a job.
Weekend with hosting kids & helping out: Victoria, Ali, & Lindsey. They were pretty good kids! I ended up getting a piggy back ride for this game we played with the kids. It was....Interesting to say the least lol.
Michael: Is doing well! I got to talk to him for an hour today which brightened my mood quite a bit! I miss him a lot. And I wish the Valentine's stuff he had his mom send me would get here already, I want my teddy bear! Its just a little one for now but it will be the best one ever! I am also getting flowers!!!! Roses, Carnations, and something else. I miss him, I miss getting to talk to him on nights like this where I can't sleep and I feel alone. Gah it sucks! lol. It would be even worse if we were married, but for right now "its complicated"
Random Information: I bought Army Wives season 3 today. I tried to get nail polish but I didn't have enough money. The guy didn't ring it up but I found out later that the nail polish was still in the bag...I don't know if he meant to leave it in the bag or if he just forgot, but I think I'm gunna let myself believe he meant to leave it in the bag lol. I have already used it on my nails and toes!
Hm what else........Oh. I started to write again. I don't wanna post it until its done. When it is then I'll put it on a site and see how it does maybe. I dono yet. Right now its just for me and These characters just want me to write their story. So I am lol.
Well that is all I have. Guess I'll try to sleep now. Goonight all! Remember, We're all a little mad here!
Gamma Phi Beta: Well I can't do it this year because I have a 2.48 GPA rather than a 2.5....Its super dumb and made me mad. However i can rush next year and by then maybe my family will be in better standing with money, or I'll be able to drive, have a car, and be able to get a job.
Weekend with hosting kids & helping out: Victoria, Ali, & Lindsey. They were pretty good kids! I ended up getting a piggy back ride for this game we played with the kids. It was....Interesting to say the least lol.
Michael: Is doing well! I got to talk to him for an hour today which brightened my mood quite a bit! I miss him a lot. And I wish the Valentine's stuff he had his mom send me would get here already, I want my teddy bear! Its just a little one for now but it will be the best one ever! I am also getting flowers!!!! Roses, Carnations, and something else. I miss him, I miss getting to talk to him on nights like this where I can't sleep and I feel alone. Gah it sucks! lol. It would be even worse if we were married, but for right now "its complicated"
Random Information: I bought Army Wives season 3 today. I tried to get nail polish but I didn't have enough money. The guy didn't ring it up but I found out later that the nail polish was still in the bag...I don't know if he meant to leave it in the bag or if he just forgot, but I think I'm gunna let myself believe he meant to leave it in the bag lol. I have already used it on my nails and toes!
Hm what else........Oh. I started to write again. I don't wanna post it until its done. When it is then I'll put it on a site and see how it does maybe. I dono yet. Right now its just for me and These characters just want me to write their story. So I am lol.
Well that is all I have. Guess I'll try to sleep now. Goonight all! Remember, We're all a little mad here!
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Last Few Days
Wow....They have been interesting.
The kid I hosted: She was awsome! She was just like me in so many ways! It was 100% scary! I started calling her mini me because of it.
Work Day: Well it was fine but a few people....Lets call them: Beth, Cassy, and Marsha were super rude to me...Heres why
Beth: Was doing nothing but complaining on how tired she was, and how out of shape she was. Listen darlin. I understand that it's hard freakin work! Really I do. But YOU THINK that you would work to be in better shape so it isn't so difficult for you! All she did was bitch. And I did NOT want to here it because I myself was getting really tired. Because she was so out of shape I was having to do TWICE the work. Which made me mad. Just down right ticked me off.
Cassy: Well she was just not being helpful at all!!!! When Beth and I had a problem building something we asked Cassy for help. She told us figure it out for yourself....Wow....Ok so I was ASKING because I know what a pain in the ass it is to have to go back and REDO something because someone else jacked it up! SO EXCUSE THE HELL OUTA ME FOR TRYING TO DO IT CORRECTLY! After much drama the problem was fixed.
Other drama caused by above: I ended up having like a crying melt down because I was so done with people yelling at me and all that. I got pushed over the edge when Beth tried to tell me I was doing something wrong when Jim had been yelling at me for not doing it while she and someone else were putting on another portion of the thing. So I looked at Paul as he told me to just ignore her and I put my hands in the air and was like I am done. I can't deal with people barking at me anymore! Then began to cry. He told me to go take a break and calm down. I went and cried and when I came back he gave me a big hug and told me I was an amazing person because of how happy I am and how I try to cheer people up and that I should never let someone bring me down to that again. I promised him I would try not too. Needless to say I love Paul to death!
Now Marsha.....: JUST STUPID! Gah! Of all the air headed, rude, idiotic, most clueless people in the world! I had to work with her! Ug! Lets just say I do not like her attitude AT ALL! But because our theater is a family I will be kind to her. However that DOES NOT MEAN I have to enjoy being around her!!!!
Hm what else........Mom sent me some mail, so I am waiting for it to get here!!! Super happy about it! Also waiting for my letter from Michael! His hand writing is so bad I made him mailing labels to use in hopes that it would make his life easier!
Well I have some HW to do and I need to wash dishes and clothes, so I am OFF! I will post more later and also add some crafting pictures soon!!!
Remember we're all a little mad here!
The kid I hosted: She was awsome! She was just like me in so many ways! It was 100% scary! I started calling her mini me because of it.
Work Day: Well it was fine but a few people....Lets call them: Beth, Cassy, and Marsha were super rude to me...Heres why
Beth: Was doing nothing but complaining on how tired she was, and how out of shape she was. Listen darlin. I understand that it's hard freakin work! Really I do. But YOU THINK that you would work to be in better shape so it isn't so difficult for you! All she did was bitch. And I did NOT want to here it because I myself was getting really tired. Because she was so out of shape I was having to do TWICE the work. Which made me mad. Just down right ticked me off.
Cassy: Well she was just not being helpful at all!!!! When Beth and I had a problem building something we asked Cassy for help. She told us figure it out for yourself....Wow....Ok so I was ASKING because I know what a pain in the ass it is to have to go back and REDO something because someone else jacked it up! SO EXCUSE THE HELL OUTA ME FOR TRYING TO DO IT CORRECTLY! After much drama the problem was fixed.
Other drama caused by above: I ended up having like a crying melt down because I was so done with people yelling at me and all that. I got pushed over the edge when Beth tried to tell me I was doing something wrong when Jim had been yelling at me for not doing it while she and someone else were putting on another portion of the thing. So I looked at Paul as he told me to just ignore her and I put my hands in the air and was like I am done. I can't deal with people barking at me anymore! Then began to cry. He told me to go take a break and calm down. I went and cried and when I came back he gave me a big hug and told me I was an amazing person because of how happy I am and how I try to cheer people up and that I should never let someone bring me down to that again. I promised him I would try not too. Needless to say I love Paul to death!
Now Marsha.....: JUST STUPID! Gah! Of all the air headed, rude, idiotic, most clueless people in the world! I had to work with her! Ug! Lets just say I do not like her attitude AT ALL! But because our theater is a family I will be kind to her. However that DOES NOT MEAN I have to enjoy being around her!!!!
Hm what else........Mom sent me some mail, so I am waiting for it to get here!!! Super happy about it! Also waiting for my letter from Michael! His hand writing is so bad I made him mailing labels to use in hopes that it would make his life easier!
Well I have some HW to do and I need to wash dishes and clothes, so I am OFF! I will post more later and also add some crafting pictures soon!!!
Remember we're all a little mad here!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Issues & Drama....How wonderful it would be without them.
Welp....it has just been crazy with the drama going on here. Three of my "friends" have been like ignoring me. Which 100% sucks. I dono even how to explain what is going on. Plus I wish I was closer to my family. Like my Aunt and Uncle and cousins. I would like to see them when we go to my sisters graduation. I hope we will because my mom hasn't seen her brothers in a while. I just....Feel kind of alone here. All goes back to that wishing I had a car. And I wish I could go to Michael's basic graduation, but I really don't think its going to happen which is really disappointing. Well i dono what else to type....Just had to get those few things off my chest.
And remember, we're all a little mad here.
And remember, we're all a little mad here.
Monday, January 18, 2010
The Suckyness of wanting to be independent, but not able to be
UG!!!!!!!!! Ok so here we go again. I am about to have a bf about not having a car or even being able to drive. It's total BS! I had a friend go get me folders and she spent like $4 EACH for 4. So it ended up costing me like $17ish. That's BS! So I had a different friend take me back to swap it. Well I called my mom when I was done. Explained to her what I had done and that she now owned me $2 because I gave her too much. Pretty much she just fing fought with me for like 10 minutes!!!!! I finally just gave up and said "whatever mom I'll just give her the $7 and be done with it." and got off the phone to go watch One Tree Hill. THEN my dad called me and said "why is your mother crying" and so I told him what happened and then he was like "ok so bla bla bla" and I said "telling me the same damn thing over and over isn't going to make me understand I told mom I would just give her the fing money so just drop it." He said "fine well you need to call your mom and talk to her when she calms down." And I said "I told her I would call her after my show" and he said "oh. Well hows school" and I said "it sucks" and he said "why" and I said "because I'm tired of drama and fighting." Then he finally got off the fing phone. GOD!!!! If I had my own fucking car I could have bought them myself the first time and this problem wouldn't have even happened to begin with!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just. I'm so fucking tired of my parents handing my brothers pretty much everything they need and I don't really get a whole hell of a lot. I mean they won't even fucking teach me how to drive! So I am 18 almost 19 years old and I can't drive a car without someone who's 21 in the front seat with me! Its bullshit and I'm sick of it! I'm just so sick of it all. Like 100%. And without a car I can't get a job, without a job I have to keep depending on my parents, by depending on my parents all the time it makes me feel like a baby and REALLY annoyed. I just god I am so sick of it. I wish I had done my homework before so I could just wash my face and get into bed. I am so over this day and all the bullshit drama it's not even funny.
PLUS to top it ALL off, my "friends" are being bitchy towards me, leaving me out and like not talking to me. SO in addition to dealing with being away from everything I know, and understand, The few people who USED to get me through it are like not talking to me. SO my life at this point pretty much sucks!
I'm gunna try and get this HW done so I can just go to bed. Bye
Remember, We're all a little mad here......And right now really pissed off/annoyed
PLUS to top it ALL off, my "friends" are being bitchy towards me, leaving me out and like not talking to me. SO in addition to dealing with being away from everything I know, and understand, The few people who USED to get me through it are like not talking to me. SO my life at this point pretty much sucks!
I'm gunna try and get this HW done so I can just go to bed. Bye
Remember, We're all a little mad here......And right now really pissed off/annoyed
Sunday, January 17, 2010
One of Those Days....
Welp today has just been one of those days. I'm gunna sound like a four year old but I woke up really missing my mommy lol. I dono I just really hope she and dad move down here into that house mom found. Speaking of the house we (Mom, My "Aunt", and I) are going to stay the night in the house mom found over spring break!!!! It's only like $99 which is so not bad! That cost is the cleaning fee. I think it's gunna be great! I am so excited and just cannot wait!
But right now I am washin some clothes (Which if my parents move here will no longer cost me $2 to wash and dry 1 load!) scrapbooking, listening to music, and pretty much bein bored lol. That's about it. I will be eating in my room tonight because I am out of money to eat in the cafe! That's just how I do. Here are some pictures of my newest cards. I made the Thanks one for my teachers last semester. Also keep in mine that if I had better hand writing the beach card would have turned out SO much better! lol.
But right now I am washin some clothes (Which if my parents move here will no longer cost me $2 to wash and dry 1 load!) scrapbooking, listening to music, and pretty much bein bored lol. That's about it. I will be eating in my room tonight because I am out of money to eat in the cafe! That's just how I do. Here are some pictures of my newest cards. I made the Thanks one for my teachers last semester. Also keep in mine that if I had better hand writing the beach card would have turned out SO much better! lol.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Back at School
Welp I have been back at school for 5 days now. its been pretty good. I had my first make-up voice lesson today and it went REALLY well! Like I left with a major pep in my step! Missing Michael, tired of being single, but what else is new right? lol.....Ummmm Promised my roomie I would clean.....So I should get to that soon. What else to write? I don't really know. I am really not enjoying my English teacher......I hope this will change because it will 100% suck if it doesn't. A friend is gunna give me $30 to share my wellness management book!!!! WOO HOO!!! I'll be making my first trip to a club soon. Should be fun....Well it better be! Um that's about it at this point so I will post more later :D
I lied. My roommate it crazy....She is from Haiti and has family there, she made the mistake of reading what some people said online about the earth quack and well she got mad over it and was going to yell at the person who said all kinds of awful things via internet and now she says, "But she took to long to accept my friend request and now I don't feel like it......ok end of story lol"
Ok now I'm really done LOL. More later, and remember
We're All a Little Made Here
I lied. My roommate it crazy....She is from Haiti and has family there, she made the mistake of reading what some people said online about the earth quack and well she got mad over it and was going to yell at the person who said all kinds of awful things via internet and now she says, "But she took to long to accept my friend request and now I don't feel like it......ok end of story lol"
Ok now I'm really done LOL. More later, and remember
We're All a Little Made Here
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Now it's time to say goodbye
Well all I am leaving to go back to school in a few hours. Oh joy lol. I dono what to really say tonight. I'm really tired, but I doubt I'll be able to sleep. I watched a scary movie. It was dumb. It will never happen again....I still haven't finished packing. yeah I know I'm bad. Oh well I'll finish it tonight when I'm not sleeping. But now it is time to put on some pjs get a snack and get ready to leave. Leave me comments. More crafty things to come :D
Friday, January 1, 2010
Music is my soul
okie dokie so I can tell for a while I'm gunna be one of those crazy people that updates like every hour lol.....
FIVE FOR FIGHTING - Chances
Chances are when said and done
Who'll be the lucky ones
Who make it all the way?
Though you say I could be your answer
Nothing lasts forever
No matter how it feels today
Chances are we´ll find a new equation
Chances roll away from me
Chances are all they hope to be
Don't get me wrong I'd never say never
Cause though love can change the weather
No act of God can pull me away from you
I´m just a realistic man
A bottle filled with shells and sand
Afraid to love beyond what I can lose when it comes to you
And though I see us through yeah
Chances are we´ll find two destinations
Chances roll away from me
Still chances are more than expectations
The possibilities
Over me
Eight to five, two to one
Lay your money on the sun
until you crash what have you done?
Is there a better bet than love?
What you are is what you breathe
You gotta cry before you sing
Chances chances
Chances lost are hopes torn up pages
Maybe this time
Chances are we´ll be the combination
Chances come and carry me
Chances are waiting to be taken
And I can see
Chances are the fascination
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them
And all I need
If you haven't heard that song please go look it up. One thing you have to know about me is that music is like a major part of my soul. I would not be who I am without going through what I have.....With that said I wouldn't have made it past a lot without music....Without lyrics that seem to know how I feel right to the t I would have let one of my trials break me. I have over come so much pain just by knowing that there is a song out there that can explain how my heart and soul feels. Its an amazing feeling.
Okie dokie time to stop with the deep thoughts lol but no worries there will be plenty more.....Remember we're all mad here :D
FIVE FOR FIGHTING - Chances
Chances are when said and done
Who'll be the lucky ones
Who make it all the way?
Though you say I could be your answer
Nothing lasts forever
No matter how it feels today
Chances are we´ll find a new equation
Chances roll away from me
Chances are all they hope to be
Don't get me wrong I'd never say never
Cause though love can change the weather
No act of God can pull me away from you
I´m just a realistic man
A bottle filled with shells and sand
Afraid to love beyond what I can lose when it comes to you
And though I see us through yeah
Chances are we´ll find two destinations
Chances roll away from me
Still chances are more than expectations
The possibilities
Over me
Eight to five, two to one
Lay your money on the sun
until you crash what have you done?
Is there a better bet than love?
What you are is what you breathe
You gotta cry before you sing
Chances chances
Chances lost are hopes torn up pages
Maybe this time
Chances are we´ll be the combination
Chances come and carry me
Chances are waiting to be taken
And I can see
Chances are the fascination
Chances won't escape from me
Chances are only what we make them
And all I need
If you haven't heard that song please go look it up. One thing you have to know about me is that music is like a major part of my soul. I would not be who I am without going through what I have.....With that said I wouldn't have made it past a lot without music....Without lyrics that seem to know how I feel right to the t I would have let one of my trials break me. I have over come so much pain just by knowing that there is a song out there that can explain how my heart and soul feels. Its an amazing feeling.
Okie dokie time to stop with the deep thoughts lol but no worries there will be plenty more.....Remember we're all mad here :D
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