I know I fail :/

I know I know. It has been too long yet again. So here are the updates!!! Almost done with my last first semester of college!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!! Finals are next week :/ Anywho. I have made AMAZING progress on the family brain I am making which is KILLER! I also have tweeked the list of the cleaning plan for my parents house! Ekk....That is all I can think of at the moment! I am about to post a new vlog on my paper brain!! Keep your eyes open for it on my youtube account! XOXO Mary

The Project Begins!

Hello Blog world!! Welp, another day and I am making another post! Anywho!! My mom works really hard...All the time. One of the things that erks her nerves the most is that our house is kinda falling apart :/ four kids and no true updates in roughly 30 years and it leads to a rouch looking place. I love my house. But ya know it needs some work. So she is always talking about what she wants to do to it to clean it up. However, she never has the time to do it. So I am about to make a plan of "gettin er done!". What I mean is the next time I will be home will be for Christmas. My goal is to get AT LEAST 3 of the rooms that piss her off the most at least decent again. Mind you I have no real money to even do this but I am hell bent and determined to see her smile. BTW what brought this on is I wanted to be nice so I did the dishes for her. Anywho the rooms I plan to take on are as follows: My Bathroom: Aka the bathroom all guests use. Its just really out of date. It had Mickey Mouse wall paper from when I was like 7...and I'm 21. So over the summer I stripped the wall paper but I still need to wash it to get all of the paper off, paint it, and give it a tiny face lift. I'm gonna bunget $75 and with any lucky I can get dad to help me pay for that $75 The Living Room: Its just....It's bad. We never really use it except for Christmas HOWEVER it needs a lot of work. Carpet needs to be cleaned, dusting, and maybe a few little face lifts...I think this room will need the most money. We'll say $100 (PRAYING that the carpet cleaner I'll have to rent isn't an arm and a leg). Again lets pray dad helps pay for it!! The Formal Dining Room: We haven't used this room since I was a kid! Mostly because all my dads teaching bull shit is in there. SO the plan is to get dad to sort all the papers, clean the carpet, and dust. I really think this will fit right in with the $100 for the living room, since it is just off of the living room. Other rooms to tackle: - Kitchen: It mostly just needs a face lift. I'll look into new floors for it, decent computer desk, refinish the cabinets, and get new hardwear for them. Also clean out the pantry and the closet in there. And it could really use an update from wallpaper to paint! - My Brothers room: Overall cleaning and organizing - My Room: Carpet clean, paint, organizing/toss shit I don't need, and MAYBE furnature - Mom & Dads Room: carpet cleaning, organizing, face lift (maybe some new odds and ends to fancy it up for them) - Basement: MAJOR organizing, carpet cleaning, face lift (new odds and ends), - Garage: MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR organizing!!!! Mostly an over all keep or toss session!! - Front & Back Yard: Weeding, get some grass seed planted, spruce up the flower beds (four main ones), and possibly new railroad board things to rebuild one of the beds. Honestly if all goes well I would LOVE to work on the yard during CHristmas as well! I feel like since its not typical gardening season then a lot of what I might need will be on sale. Thanks to pintrest I will just use news paper to keep weeds at bay but I will need some mulch. And even more so I am PRAYING that I won't run into any snakes :/ I HATE snakes!!!! Bugs I can deal with....Snakes...Not just no HELL NO!! Well that's all for now! Gonna investigate pintrest and make my calander for what I'm gonna do on which day :) xoxo Mary

Twice in one day!!

Wow shit most have hit the fans! lol jk jk! Today was rather lovely :) I went and got my nails done with Kayla. I know I know, all that money just for some fake nails. But I like them and I work hard for my money so I'll spend it on whatever I damn well desire :) Then I went with her to the mall to try and get her some contacts (for her eyeballs) but couldn't. So then I ate lunch lol. I then spent the rest of my day painting a kitchen and a laundry room with my dad...exciting I know! But hey I made desent money painting so it's all good! AND I learned that when I own my own home I will clean behind appliances (fridges, washers, and dryers ext.) AT LEAST once every 6 months! In a perfect world once every 3 months! It was just.....It was not ok for this clean freak! Hmmmm whatelse?!?!?! Michael and I doing pretty well. The stress of being apart brings stress to us just like all the other military relationships out there. But we're working through it one day at a time. I am OFFICIALY A SENIOR IN COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FREAKIN SHIT RIGHT!?!?!?! Where the hell did time go?! But I am so beyond ready to move on with my life and see what else is in store for me :) I really can't think of anything else at this point...But I really am going to try and blog maybe once a week. I don't think I can commit to more than that with my full class schedual, two jobs, and trying to get fit plan :) SOOO Until next time!!! P.S. I do plan on making a video of me making a project for my costuming class...It'll be a library tote :) and it will be huge because NONE of the ones I own are freakin big enough!!!! xoxo Mary

It's been a while

Gah. Seems like forever since my last post...probably because it has been! I really hope to keep up with this a little more regualry. However it is now 5 am and I am going with Kayla to get our nails done at 10 am. SOOOO It's time for me to hit the hay lol

Music, Darkness, & Days that just keep getting worse as shit hits the fan

Ever had one of those days where you want to curl up in bed in the smallest ball you can force your body into an just cry until you either throw up, get so dehydrated you can't see right, fall asleep, or all of the above? Well welcome to my fucking Friday.

Last night sucked. Michael and I got into an argument over things I won't say. So I cried a lot and read my books trying to hide from it all. Then I wake up this morning with only 3 hours of sleep, maybe even less, and have a long class. I get back to my room and go right back to bed. I just wanted to avoid the world. I wanted to pretend non of it was there. That as long as I was in bed somehow my stuffed animals and my blankets could protect me from all the hurt I was feeling. I got a text that made shit hit the fan even worse. Again not gonna talk about the details. But then I felt worse. I started to cry AGAIN and went back to sleep. When it was time for my voice lesson I went and pretended as best I could that I was fine, as an Army Wife to be I've gotten good at it. But I think my teacher knew something was up becuase he didn't get onto me about my singing as much as he normaly would have. I mean I was making some stupid mistakes because my mind was just....hiding.

I got done and came back to my room and continued to hide. I had all the lights off but a small lamp so I could see the pages of my book and I tried to keep pretending nothing was wrong. Allowing it to kinda just eat at me. Until finally I just threw my book and started crying again.

The fun part about how I react to being hurt or sad or upset is I try so hard to just ignore it. To believe that if I just hide from the world in my tight ball under my covers that it will somehow fix it all. But of course it doesn't. The darkness doesn't have any answers. That is one of my favorite quotes from One Tree Hill, because it's true. Hiding from how hurt I am doesn't make it hurt less it makes it hurt more. It eats at you until you finally break. I like to believe I can take a lot before I just snap. And I decided to get into the shower and just let the hot water relax me enough to cry and break down. Because with me as soon as I break down I can often think of a way to help whatever the problem is become fixed. But of course once I was in the shower I couldn't cry the way I knew I needed to. I couldn't let my pain just take over and let my soul deal with it. So I got out and got dressed and started to venting to my dear roommate. Sure enough talking aloud to a friend I trust, in the comfort of my cozy room I started to cry. And since she is wonderful she opened up her arms and like a 3 year old I climed into my bed, put my head on her chest and cried a bit. I didn't fully break down, but I did enough to feel a bit better. The act of admiting I needed help and I needed to just be weak was enough to let my soul feel some of the pain. Then of course I go to the little school food store thing we have to get junk food for the movie I'm seeing with my roomie and another friend (Chelsea) and guess who's fucking working... THE LOVELY BITCH!

FOr those of you who dono who that is it is this chick who has made it her life goal to hate me. I have no damn idea why, I got a no contact order against her last semester, but when it expired I didn't renew it. So of course she is all short and rude. Just what I did not need today. Thank you universe for throwing so much shit at me at once. I sure hope you know what the fuck you're doing.


So why do I bring any of this up? Welp it is possible that it is just a pointless ramble, a way for a 20 year old to just deal. Although, I feel like I have a point so I'll try to explain it and see if it pans out as one.

Lets go back to the whole "The darkness doesn't have any answers" idea. If I know that hiding from the world and festoring in my sadness is clearly only going to make me feel worse why do I do it? Some sadistic need to feel pain? No. Some deep dark depression I have been hiding within? Eh maybe but I doubt it. I think the reason might be because my heart needs to hide and feel that pain first because it doesn't yet understand why it hurts so much. What about the situation really was upseting me? How things were said, what was said, or how it comes across. I often hide, find music that understands and slowly deal with it. I puzzle together why it hurts so much while I hide, believeing that everything will keep me safe until I can have that melt down. I dono if it always works, if it never works, or if it sometimes works. WHat I do know is that I have Pandora on and i am listening to the Skillet raido station. Currently Dear Agony by Breaking Benjamin is playing. And right now, in this moment, after all my hiding, my small melt downs, writing this, and listening to a songs that just seem to know how I feel, I am feeling a bit better.

Family Binder

So I have been reading a ton of blogs lately and a while back I stumbled upon a blog with a woman who made a family binder. I LOVE this idea. I am super OCD in some areas and I love the idea of having one place to keep the really important things.

Pretty much you keep everything your family needs day to day or just in case in this binder. You store it in an easy to get to place so that everyone can get to it quickly if needed. These were a few I found and really liked:

http://kdbyers.blogspot.com/2011/03/how-to-make-homebinder.html

http://mandicresswell.blogspot.com/2011/03/home-notebook-our-life-binder.html

http://waythatiam.blogspot.com/2011/04/household-binder-linkup.html


But in case you don't know me well, I'm picky. If I'm going to have something like this I want it to be HIGHLY customized for mine and Michael's families needs. And most of these women only posted a printable link, not one where you can edit what they have done. Which kinda made my soul cry, like a lot. SO in addition to not knowing that I am picky you probably don't know that it is not my style to just take it and deal. Nope, not even a little. So I went to the WWW known as my support site and one of my WONDERFUL and AMAZING friends (Amanda W) knows how they made those sheets for their binder. AND she is willing to help me! But first I had to figure out what I wanted to be made, what needed to be changed, the look I wanted and all that good stuff!! SO here is the list of what I want in my family binder. Although I might rename it, "Family Brain" anywho here we go!

1) Family Monthly Calander: ONE PLACE to keep doctors appointments, Army functions, and what ever the hell else we might need to remember!

2) Special Events: One spot to list birthdays and other important dates

3) Gift Giving: I HATE it when I think of the PERFECT Christmas gift for someone and then I don't write it down so I forget it and they get some horrible gift. No more! This allows me to write who it's for, what the gift is, where to get it, and how much it will cost, folled by a little box to put a check mark in once we get it!

4) Day by Day: I love having this in my school planner! Pretty much day by day plan for each week. Love

5) Daily Schedule: Anything that HAS TO HAPPEN! Like someone I need to call or whatever, a place to also write down things I think of and need to run by the hubby

6) Bill paying check list: Lists ALL our bills, how much we paid, date it was paid, how much is left to pay (if its a debt thing), and goal pay off date

7) Money in and out breakdown: No more wondering where all the money goes. A in depth break down of EVERY penny that comes in and leaves for our family. Kinda like a check book

8) Home Knownlegde Section: Be warned this is really OCD...This includes a paint log with the color, brand, and ammount of paint used in ever room, a list of updates we want to make to our home, list of updates we have done including the contractor that did it, cost, and date it was done; Furnature inventory of what is in each room, where we got it and its cost. This will also include an inventory of all our movies, books, cricut cartridges, and jewlry. This is mainly for insurance reasons. And in case the Army wants to know anything. Doubt they will but I would rather be safe than sorry.

9) Protection Plans: Every protection plan policy we have. So there are all in one damn spot!!!

10) Auto Maintenance: This is a sheet someone else made but I feel like it is wise.

11) Cleaning Schedual: What gets cleaned daily, weekly, every two weeks, once a month, once every six months and once a year. That way when babies come ino the picture I have a goal list and it will be more likely to get done

12) Emergency Info: Numbers to call if shit goes down lol

13) Medical info: a sheet for Michael and I and kids when they happen. A place to list any medication, allergies, operations we've had, major medical issues we've had, doctors we use and their numbers, all that good stuff.

14) All Contact Information:COmmonly used services with numbers and such; Neighbor's name and number, homeowners insurance information, bank information, life insurance information, attorney, accountant, financial institution, auto inurance information, medical information such as insurance stuff, home information such as contractor, plumber, HVAC, electrition, water/sewer, septic, fuel, alarm service, lawn service, lending instituton, loan officer

15) Card List: List of people and their mailing address for those who have to get cards when important things happen such as we have a baby or whatever

16) Subscription list: List of things we subscribe to, cost, date due, and if we should cancel it or not

17) Vacation, Holiday, and Birthday planning section: Kinda explains itself lol

18) Babysitter and Petsitter note sheets: Again explains itself

19) Movies to Watch: a list of movies Michael and I want to see along with a check box to check it off when we have seen it and a place to write if we should buy it on DVD or not

20) Books to Read: List of books we want to read

21) Wish List: If there is ever something extra Michael or I want then we write it on this list along with where to get it and how much it is. This can help us surprise each other with little things once in a while :)

22) Craft To Do: A list of the crafts I need to get done! Like scrapbooking our wedding album or making a baby blanket for a fellow Army wife.

23) Memories: A section that is just lines and a date portion. This is to write down the little moments. The little things Michael says that cheer me up, or a joke he told me or something I said to him he found funny. This way we never forget the little things. It is these memories that got me through deployment so I feel they should have a spot to be written down.

24) Rules of Engagment Cheat Sheet: A list of the rules of engagement Michael and I are going to make. Basically this is so we don't really go at each others throats when we fight. We are both super stuborn and strong willed. So I think this could really help us :) thank you theropy!!!!

25) Date Night ideas: if ever an idea for a date night pops into our head we write it down here and there will be a space to write if we have done that date or not :)

and while typing this list I thought of another one

26) Pack it yourelf: A list of items I need to pack myself and make sure go with Michael and I when we move. I have heard that Army packers/movers kinda suck at it. So this will insure the things we REALLY hold near and dear do not get lost, broken, or stolen, and then if they do it will be our fault not a movers. Because I promise they will NOT like the woman they deal with if it is their fault.




Holy shit that is a lot of stuff!!! Lol but I feel like it will be so worth it once it is all up and running!! FOr the record I am starting now in hopes that it will be ready when it is time to use it lol. So there you have it! Updates to come as things get done with it <3

Lets go back

I danced for about 10 years of my life. Well it sure took its toll on my body. My back, hips, knees and feet hurt so bad right now I really want to cry. Part of the problem is we had workday today for Angel Street. I was going to make a post about my "Family Binder" that I want to make for Michael and I but I am just in too much pain. So on that note I am gonna lay down and hope it all stops hurting and if not I will be taking some meds big time.

Night