And with my one last gasping breath I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt

Wow....Resently I feel like I have been trying to forgive myself for just being around. Kinda like I'm a waste of a person. I have a few close friends. Not many people really know my name. Now I understand life isn't about that but still. I dono all boy drama aside I feel lost as a person. College isn't what I really wanted with my life. I wanted a family of my own. I wanted to work in disney, scrapbook, dance, get married, be a mother. I wanted that not more school. I just dono any more. I worry that the life I want is slipping away from me and there isn't anything I can do about it.

Gah if my sister read this she would say, "You can't have babies until your age begins with a 3!" But again I don't want what she wants with life. I want to be a mother. I wanna spend hours making the perfect Valentine's day box and birthday invites and party hats, and endless nights of no sleep, and making the baby blanket, and just doing mommy things. Ug. Life is so different now then it used to be. If I lived in the 18oo's I can bet that I would be saying I want to go to more school since I would be forced to be a mother of at least one by now. But Idk about that either. The kind of person that I am needs to take care of people. As sad as it sounds I need to be needed.

Ug. I need to work on a paper and just scrapbook now. I feel so stressed out! Ug. By all and remember we're all a little mad here.

And its been a while....

Well....Where to begin. I got a letter from my Middle School Ex. It was everything I needed it to be. Michael and I are still the same.

But the thing I have been really thinking about it death. Morbid yeah I know....But here is the thing. I wonder a lot what people will do when i die. I mean think about it. Go onto youtube and look at the videos people make for lost loved ones. Will someone do that for me? What song would they use? I dono just a thought I keep having. I mean would people who hated me and made fun of me go to say goodbye? Would one of my real friends kick their ass for showing their face? Damn I hope so! I would be floating around cheering the fight on. Then after a few min get pissed off if people weren't crying. I dono it is just something that hits me every so often....So here are a few lyrics that I liked. Its With you in your dreams by Hanson

But If I'm gone when you wake up
Please don't cry
And if I'm gone when you wake up
Please don't sigh
Don't look back at this time
As a time of heartbreak and distress
Remember me, remember me
'Cause I'll be with you
I'll be with you in your dreams


Remember, we're all a little mad here.

Guy Drama...Again

First off that's the thing I made for Michael :) yay me! Also I am listening to Paramore while I type this. Just in case you care. Mostly "We are Broken"


Now to the big stuff.....
So we all know from my last post that there is the whole two guy issue going on in my life. I haven't heard from my ex since he got to bootcamp and I have no idea why. Right now so many worries are going through my head like: "Has he realized I wasn't worth it and left me here wondering what if?" "Did something bad happen" "Did he loose my address?" There is just so much racing through my mind. I really hope he's ok.

But I came up with a plan for Michael and I so that we could get through the two guy thing as best we could until I had time to find out if there was something with the ex. Also I told him I couldn't choose one of them until I got a romantic "date" type thing with each of them....So the plan was that for now nothing with us will change and we will go on as we have been. And when we see each other face to face again then we'll go from there. When I get to spend more time with my ex and him in a romantic evening fashion then I will choose.

Well Michael and I got into a huge fight last night over this. Like much yelling and bull shits and just lots of bad stuff was said. I sent him a text this am (he is in AIT now so he can have his phone most of the time) saying I was sorry for how I said things but not for saying them. One of his things was I keep throwing in his face how I can't make up my mind. But I believe with all my heart that I don't do that. Yes I have talked about my ex to him. but he asked me about him, and it was relivent to the conversation we were having at the times. i got angry and had to be a bitch in order to be heard. I felt like he was only seeing his side and wasn't bothering to listen to me at all. And that plus some of the things he was saying really hurt me. I just don't know what to do. I am tired of people telling me to be strong for him, and that I have to just let things go because he is risking his life and could be killed at any moment. I understand that. believe me I know that it only takes one mistake, one second for him to be gone forever... But at the same time I felt like I wasn't important enough to be listened to. Or to even have my feeling thought about. God. This just over all sucks ass. Any ways....I bet the isn't anyone who reads this but me. I'm gunna go. I have a meeting with Paul (teacher)to learn IPA and talk about next year. Bye all and remember,

We're all a little mad here.