Ever had one of those days where you want to curl up in bed in the smallest ball you can force your body into an just cry until you either throw up, get so dehydrated you can't see right, fall asleep, or all of the above? Well welcome to my fucking Friday.
Last night sucked. Michael and I got into an argument over things I won't say. So I cried a lot and read my books trying to hide from it all. Then I wake up this morning with only 3 hours of sleep, maybe even less, and have a long class. I get back to my room and go right back to bed. I just wanted to avoid the world. I wanted to pretend non of it was there. That as long as I was in bed somehow my stuffed animals and my blankets could protect me from all the hurt I was feeling. I got a text that made shit hit the fan even worse. Again not gonna talk about the details. But then I felt worse. I started to cry AGAIN and went back to sleep. When it was time for my voice lesson I went and pretended as best I could that I was fine, as an Army Wife to be I've gotten good at it. But I think my teacher knew something was up becuase he didn't get onto me about my singing as much as he normaly would have. I mean I was making some stupid mistakes because my mind was just....hiding.
I got done and came back to my room and continued to hide. I had all the lights off but a small lamp so I could see the pages of my book and I tried to keep pretending nothing was wrong. Allowing it to kinda just eat at me. Until finally I just threw my book and started crying again.
The fun part about how I react to being hurt or sad or upset is I try so hard to just ignore it. To believe that if I just hide from the world in my tight ball under my covers that it will somehow fix it all. But of course it doesn't. The darkness doesn't have any answers. That is one of my favorite quotes from One Tree Hill, because it's true. Hiding from how hurt I am doesn't make it hurt less it makes it hurt more. It eats at you until you finally break. I like to believe I can take a lot before I just snap. And I decided to get into the shower and just let the hot water relax me enough to cry and break down. Because with me as soon as I break down I can often think of a way to help whatever the problem is become fixed. But of course once I was in the shower I couldn't cry the way I knew I needed to. I couldn't let my pain just take over and let my soul deal with it. So I got out and got dressed and started to venting to my dear roommate. Sure enough talking aloud to a friend I trust, in the comfort of my cozy room I started to cry. And since she is wonderful she opened up her arms and like a 3 year old I climed into my bed, put my head on her chest and cried a bit. I didn't fully break down, but I did enough to feel a bit better. The act of admiting I needed help and I needed to just be weak was enough to let my soul feel some of the pain. Then of course I go to the little school food store thing we have to get junk food for the movie I'm seeing with my roomie and another friend (Chelsea) and guess who's fucking working... THE LOVELY BITCH!
FOr those of you who dono who that is it is this chick who has made it her life goal to hate me. I have no damn idea why, I got a no contact order against her last semester, but when it expired I didn't renew it. So of course she is all short and rude. Just what I did not need today. Thank you universe for throwing so much shit at me at once. I sure hope you know what the fuck you're doing.
So why do I bring any of this up? Welp it is possible that it is just a pointless ramble, a way for a 20 year old to just deal. Although, I feel like I have a point so I'll try to explain it and see if it pans out as one.
Lets go back to the whole "The darkness doesn't have any answers" idea. If I know that hiding from the world and festoring in my sadness is clearly only going to make me feel worse why do I do it? Some sadistic need to feel pain? No. Some deep dark depression I have been hiding within? Eh maybe but I doubt it. I think the reason might be because my heart needs to hide and feel that pain first because it doesn't yet understand why it hurts so much. What about the situation really was upseting me? How things were said, what was said, or how it comes across. I often hide, find music that understands and slowly deal with it. I puzzle together why it hurts so much while I hide, believeing that everything will keep me safe until I can have that melt down. I dono if it always works, if it never works, or if it sometimes works. WHat I do know is that I have Pandora on and i am listening to the Skillet raido station. Currently Dear Agony by Breaking Benjamin is playing. And right now, in this moment, after all my hiding, my small melt downs, writing this, and listening to a songs that just seem to know how I feel, I am feeling a bit better.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Family Binder
So I have been reading a ton of blogs lately and a while back I stumbled upon a blog with a woman who made a family binder. I LOVE this idea. I am super OCD in some areas and I love the idea of having one place to keep the really important things.
Pretty much you keep everything your family needs day to day or just in case in this binder. You store it in an easy to get to place so that everyone can get to it quickly if needed. These were a few I found and really liked:
http://kdbyers.blogspot.com/2011/03/how-to-make-homebinder.html
http://mandicresswell.blogspot.com/2011/03/home-notebook-our-life-binder.html
http://waythatiam.blogspot.com/2011/04/household-binder-linkup.html
But in case you don't know me well, I'm picky. If I'm going to have something like this I want it to be HIGHLY customized for mine and Michael's families needs. And most of these women only posted a printable link, not one where you can edit what they have done. Which kinda made my soul cry, like a lot. SO in addition to not knowing that I am picky you probably don't know that it is not my style to just take it and deal. Nope, not even a little. So I went to the WWW known as my support site and one of my WONDERFUL and AMAZING friends (Amanda W) knows how they made those sheets for their binder. AND she is willing to help me! But first I had to figure out what I wanted to be made, what needed to be changed, the look I wanted and all that good stuff!! SO here is the list of what I want in my family binder. Although I might rename it, "Family Brain" anywho here we go!
1) Family Monthly Calander: ONE PLACE to keep doctors appointments, Army functions, and what ever the hell else we might need to remember!
2) Special Events: One spot to list birthdays and other important dates
3) Gift Giving: I HATE it when I think of the PERFECT Christmas gift for someone and then I don't write it down so I forget it and they get some horrible gift. No more! This allows me to write who it's for, what the gift is, where to get it, and how much it will cost, folled by a little box to put a check mark in once we get it!
4) Day by Day: I love having this in my school planner! Pretty much day by day plan for each week. Love
5) Daily Schedule: Anything that HAS TO HAPPEN! Like someone I need to call or whatever, a place to also write down things I think of and need to run by the hubby
6) Bill paying check list: Lists ALL our bills, how much we paid, date it was paid, how much is left to pay (if its a debt thing), and goal pay off date
7) Money in and out breakdown: No more wondering where all the money goes. A in depth break down of EVERY penny that comes in and leaves for our family. Kinda like a check book
8) Home Knownlegde Section: Be warned this is really OCD...This includes a paint log with the color, brand, and ammount of paint used in ever room, a list of updates we want to make to our home, list of updates we have done including the contractor that did it, cost, and date it was done; Furnature inventory of what is in each room, where we got it and its cost. This will also include an inventory of all our movies, books, cricut cartridges, and jewlry. This is mainly for insurance reasons. And in case the Army wants to know anything. Doubt they will but I would rather be safe than sorry.
9) Protection Plans: Every protection plan policy we have. So there are all in one damn spot!!!
10) Auto Maintenance: This is a sheet someone else made but I feel like it is wise.
11) Cleaning Schedual: What gets cleaned daily, weekly, every two weeks, once a month, once every six months and once a year. That way when babies come ino the picture I have a goal list and it will be more likely to get done
12) Emergency Info: Numbers to call if shit goes down lol
13) Medical info: a sheet for Michael and I and kids when they happen. A place to list any medication, allergies, operations we've had, major medical issues we've had, doctors we use and their numbers, all that good stuff.
14) All Contact Information:COmmonly used services with numbers and such; Neighbor's name and number, homeowners insurance information, bank information, life insurance information, attorney, accountant, financial institution, auto inurance information, medical information such as insurance stuff, home information such as contractor, plumber, HVAC, electrition, water/sewer, septic, fuel, alarm service, lawn service, lending instituton, loan officer
15) Card List: List of people and their mailing address for those who have to get cards when important things happen such as we have a baby or whatever
16) Subscription list: List of things we subscribe to, cost, date due, and if we should cancel it or not
17) Vacation, Holiday, and Birthday planning section: Kinda explains itself lol
18) Babysitter and Petsitter note sheets: Again explains itself
19) Movies to Watch: a list of movies Michael and I want to see along with a check box to check it off when we have seen it and a place to write if we should buy it on DVD or not
20) Books to Read: List of books we want to read
21) Wish List: If there is ever something extra Michael or I want then we write it on this list along with where to get it and how much it is. This can help us surprise each other with little things once in a while :)
22) Craft To Do: A list of the crafts I need to get done! Like scrapbooking our wedding album or making a baby blanket for a fellow Army wife.
23) Memories: A section that is just lines and a date portion. This is to write down the little moments. The little things Michael says that cheer me up, or a joke he told me or something I said to him he found funny. This way we never forget the little things. It is these memories that got me through deployment so I feel they should have a spot to be written down.
24) Rules of Engagment Cheat Sheet: A list of the rules of engagement Michael and I are going to make. Basically this is so we don't really go at each others throats when we fight. We are both super stuborn and strong willed. So I think this could really help us :) thank you theropy!!!!
25) Date Night ideas: if ever an idea for a date night pops into our head we write it down here and there will be a space to write if we have done that date or not :)
and while typing this list I thought of another one
26) Pack it yourelf: A list of items I need to pack myself and make sure go with Michael and I when we move. I have heard that Army packers/movers kinda suck at it. So this will insure the things we REALLY hold near and dear do not get lost, broken, or stolen, and then if they do it will be our fault not a movers. Because I promise they will NOT like the woman they deal with if it is their fault.
Holy shit that is a lot of stuff!!! Lol but I feel like it will be so worth it once it is all up and running!! FOr the record I am starting now in hopes that it will be ready when it is time to use it lol. So there you have it! Updates to come as things get done with it <3
Pretty much you keep everything your family needs day to day or just in case in this binder. You store it in an easy to get to place so that everyone can get to it quickly if needed. These were a few I found and really liked:
http://kdbyers.blogspot.com/2011/03/how-to-make-homebinder.html
http://mandicresswell.blogspot.com/2011/03/home-notebook-our-life-binder.html
http://waythatiam.blogspot.com/2011/04/household-binder-linkup.html
But in case you don't know me well, I'm picky. If I'm going to have something like this I want it to be HIGHLY customized for mine and Michael's families needs. And most of these women only posted a printable link, not one where you can edit what they have done. Which kinda made my soul cry, like a lot. SO in addition to not knowing that I am picky you probably don't know that it is not my style to just take it and deal. Nope, not even a little. So I went to the WWW known as my support site and one of my WONDERFUL and AMAZING friends (Amanda W) knows how they made those sheets for their binder. AND she is willing to help me! But first I had to figure out what I wanted to be made, what needed to be changed, the look I wanted and all that good stuff!! SO here is the list of what I want in my family binder. Although I might rename it, "Family Brain" anywho here we go!
1) Family Monthly Calander: ONE PLACE to keep doctors appointments, Army functions, and what ever the hell else we might need to remember!
2) Special Events: One spot to list birthdays and other important dates
3) Gift Giving: I HATE it when I think of the PERFECT Christmas gift for someone and then I don't write it down so I forget it and they get some horrible gift. No more! This allows me to write who it's for, what the gift is, where to get it, and how much it will cost, folled by a little box to put a check mark in once we get it!
4) Day by Day: I love having this in my school planner! Pretty much day by day plan for each week. Love
5) Daily Schedule: Anything that HAS TO HAPPEN! Like someone I need to call or whatever, a place to also write down things I think of and need to run by the hubby
6) Bill paying check list: Lists ALL our bills, how much we paid, date it was paid, how much is left to pay (if its a debt thing), and goal pay off date
7) Money in and out breakdown: No more wondering where all the money goes. A in depth break down of EVERY penny that comes in and leaves for our family. Kinda like a check book
8) Home Knownlegde Section: Be warned this is really OCD...This includes a paint log with the color, brand, and ammount of paint used in ever room, a list of updates we want to make to our home, list of updates we have done including the contractor that did it, cost, and date it was done; Furnature inventory of what is in each room, where we got it and its cost. This will also include an inventory of all our movies, books, cricut cartridges, and jewlry. This is mainly for insurance reasons. And in case the Army wants to know anything. Doubt they will but I would rather be safe than sorry.
9) Protection Plans: Every protection plan policy we have. So there are all in one damn spot!!!
10) Auto Maintenance: This is a sheet someone else made but I feel like it is wise.
11) Cleaning Schedual: What gets cleaned daily, weekly, every two weeks, once a month, once every six months and once a year. That way when babies come ino the picture I have a goal list and it will be more likely to get done
12) Emergency Info: Numbers to call if shit goes down lol
13) Medical info: a sheet for Michael and I and kids when they happen. A place to list any medication, allergies, operations we've had, major medical issues we've had, doctors we use and their numbers, all that good stuff.
14) All Contact Information:COmmonly used services with numbers and such; Neighbor's name and number, homeowners insurance information, bank information, life insurance information, attorney, accountant, financial institution, auto inurance information, medical information such as insurance stuff, home information such as contractor, plumber, HVAC, electrition, water/sewer, septic, fuel, alarm service, lawn service, lending instituton, loan officer
15) Card List: List of people and their mailing address for those who have to get cards when important things happen such as we have a baby or whatever
16) Subscription list: List of things we subscribe to, cost, date due, and if we should cancel it or not
17) Vacation, Holiday, and Birthday planning section: Kinda explains itself lol
18) Babysitter and Petsitter note sheets: Again explains itself
19) Movies to Watch: a list of movies Michael and I want to see along with a check box to check it off when we have seen it and a place to write if we should buy it on DVD or not
20) Books to Read: List of books we want to read
21) Wish List: If there is ever something extra Michael or I want then we write it on this list along with where to get it and how much it is. This can help us surprise each other with little things once in a while :)
22) Craft To Do: A list of the crafts I need to get done! Like scrapbooking our wedding album or making a baby blanket for a fellow Army wife.
23) Memories: A section that is just lines and a date portion. This is to write down the little moments. The little things Michael says that cheer me up, or a joke he told me or something I said to him he found funny. This way we never forget the little things. It is these memories that got me through deployment so I feel they should have a spot to be written down.
24) Rules of Engagment Cheat Sheet: A list of the rules of engagement Michael and I are going to make. Basically this is so we don't really go at each others throats when we fight. We are both super stuborn and strong willed. So I think this could really help us :) thank you theropy!!!!
25) Date Night ideas: if ever an idea for a date night pops into our head we write it down here and there will be a space to write if we have done that date or not :)
and while typing this list I thought of another one
26) Pack it yourelf: A list of items I need to pack myself and make sure go with Michael and I when we move. I have heard that Army packers/movers kinda suck at it. So this will insure the things we REALLY hold near and dear do not get lost, broken, or stolen, and then if they do it will be our fault not a movers. Because I promise they will NOT like the woman they deal with if it is their fault.
Holy shit that is a lot of stuff!!! Lol but I feel like it will be so worth it once it is all up and running!! FOr the record I am starting now in hopes that it will be ready when it is time to use it lol. So there you have it! Updates to come as things get done with it <3
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Lets go back
I danced for about 10 years of my life. Well it sure took its toll on my body. My back, hips, knees and feet hurt so bad right now I really want to cry. Part of the problem is we had workday today for Angel Street. I was going to make a post about my "Family Binder" that I want to make for Michael and I but I am just in too much pain. So on that note I am gonna lay down and hope it all stops hurting and if not I will be taking some meds big time.
Night
Night
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
She's Back.....
Hello all!
And by all I mean the one person who has accidentaly found this blog and is so bored they are willing to read it to see if they can become unbored.
Chances are you will not find me interesting lol. But here is an update on my life since ya last saw me! SET GO!
Michael returned home from his first deployment on July 2, 2011! It was a wonderful day...Not really, I missed the whole cermoney because the gate people insisted on inspecting the car of the woman who I hired to take our welcome home shoot and our fancy shoot (she was kind enough to pick me up at the airport when the person who was going to droped out last minute)but anyways! So I went to Colorado to welcome him home and we had a lovely vacation after that first day lol (tis is when Casey Anthoney was found not guilty of killing her daughter also). That summer I also worked at IHOP, aka job from hell, heres a picture from that time period:
We then followed life with Michael coming to Georgia to stay with me and my family for a whole month this past summer! Best time ever! It was wonderful getting to be with him everyday :)
School started back for my JUNIOR, yes JUNIOR, year which was cool. Shortly after school started my Niece Lillian was born! (Yes that is also a name I had planned on using and yes you damn well better believe I am still going to use it lol.
I had theater history which I was beyond horrible at and I was also cast in the musical Sweeney Todd!!!! Life goal number 20 CHECK lol AND it was JIMS musical! Needless to say I was very pleased with myself lol.
I then went to Colorado again for Thanksgiving because I didn't want Michael to be alone for the holiday, welp Michael then asked me to marry him!!!!!!! I said yes :)
Currently the www will not allow me to add a picture of my wonderful ring! But I will later :) Moving on!
Mihael spent Christmas with my family and we saw my niece, brother John, and sister in law Ruth :) great time in DC was had for Christmas :)
I also got the I4 while I was there and was Paid $23 to get it :) the phone was on ale for $100 and trading in my/Michael's old 3gs meant $123. Aka $23 in pocket to go with my new i4 :) yay me!!
I am now back at school for second semester and very ready for the year to be over. I am ready to be a senior so I can graduate and start life with my hubby :)
SPeaking of hubby, we are planning a courthouse wedding for before he deploys again so that we are good and legal and then having a big wedding after graduation and deployment. As far as I know children will follow sometime AFTER the big wedding :)
K friends that is it for now as it is now 3:38 am and I have class at 9:20. Perfect lol
And by all I mean the one person who has accidentaly found this blog and is so bored they are willing to read it to see if they can become unbored.
Chances are you will not find me interesting lol. But here is an update on my life since ya last saw me! SET GO!
Michael returned home from his first deployment on July 2, 2011! It was a wonderful day...Not really, I missed the whole cermoney because the gate people insisted on inspecting the car of the woman who I hired to take our welcome home shoot and our fancy shoot (she was kind enough to pick me up at the airport when the person who was going to droped out last minute)but anyways! So I went to Colorado to welcome him home and we had a lovely vacation after that first day lol (tis is when Casey Anthoney was found not guilty of killing her daughter also). That summer I also worked at IHOP, aka job from hell, heres a picture from that time period:
We then followed life with Michael coming to Georgia to stay with me and my family for a whole month this past summer! Best time ever! It was wonderful getting to be with him everyday :)
School started back for my JUNIOR, yes JUNIOR, year which was cool. Shortly after school started my Niece Lillian was born! (Yes that is also a name I had planned on using and yes you damn well better believe I am still going to use it lol.
I had theater history which I was beyond horrible at and I was also cast in the musical Sweeney Todd!!!! Life goal number 20 CHECK lol AND it was JIMS musical! Needless to say I was very pleased with myself lol.
I then went to Colorado again for Thanksgiving because I didn't want Michael to be alone for the holiday, welp Michael then asked me to marry him!!!!!!! I said yes :)
Currently the www will not allow me to add a picture of my wonderful ring! But I will later :) Moving on!
Mihael spent Christmas with my family and we saw my niece, brother John, and sister in law Ruth :) great time in DC was had for Christmas :)
I also got the I4 while I was there and was Paid $23 to get it :) the phone was on ale for $100 and trading in my/Michael's old 3gs meant $123. Aka $23 in pocket to go with my new i4 :) yay me!!
I am now back at school for second semester and very ready for the year to be over. I am ready to be a senior so I can graduate and start life with my hubby :)
SPeaking of hubby, we are planning a courthouse wedding for before he deploys again so that we are good and legal and then having a big wedding after graduation and deployment. As far as I know children will follow sometime AFTER the big wedding :)
K friends that is it for now as it is now 3:38 am and I have class at 9:20. Perfect lol
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