Ever had one of those days where you want to curl up in bed in the smallest ball you can force your body into an just cry until you either throw up, get so dehydrated you can't see right, fall asleep, or all of the above? Well welcome to my fucking Friday.
Last night sucked. Michael and I got into an argument over things I won't say. So I cried a lot and read my books trying to hide from it all. Then I wake up this morning with only 3 hours of sleep, maybe even less, and have a long class. I get back to my room and go right back to bed. I just wanted to avoid the world. I wanted to pretend non of it was there. That as long as I was in bed somehow my stuffed animals and my blankets could protect me from all the hurt I was feeling. I got a text that made shit hit the fan even worse. Again not gonna talk about the details. But then I felt worse. I started to cry AGAIN and went back to sleep. When it was time for my voice lesson I went and pretended as best I could that I was fine, as an Army Wife to be I've gotten good at it. But I think my teacher knew something was up becuase he didn't get onto me about my singing as much as he normaly would have. I mean I was making some stupid mistakes because my mind was just....hiding.
I got done and came back to my room and continued to hide. I had all the lights off but a small lamp so I could see the pages of my book and I tried to keep pretending nothing was wrong. Allowing it to kinda just eat at me. Until finally I just threw my book and started crying again.
The fun part about how I react to being hurt or sad or upset is I try so hard to just ignore it. To believe that if I just hide from the world in my tight ball under my covers that it will somehow fix it all. But of course it doesn't. The darkness doesn't have any answers. That is one of my favorite quotes from One Tree Hill, because it's true. Hiding from how hurt I am doesn't make it hurt less it makes it hurt more. It eats at you until you finally break. I like to believe I can take a lot before I just snap. And I decided to get into the shower and just let the hot water relax me enough to cry and break down. Because with me as soon as I break down I can often think of a way to help whatever the problem is become fixed. But of course once I was in the shower I couldn't cry the way I knew I needed to. I couldn't let my pain just take over and let my soul deal with it. So I got out and got dressed and started to venting to my dear roommate. Sure enough talking aloud to a friend I trust, in the comfort of my cozy room I started to cry. And since she is wonderful she opened up her arms and like a 3 year old I climed into my bed, put my head on her chest and cried a bit. I didn't fully break down, but I did enough to feel a bit better. The act of admiting I needed help and I needed to just be weak was enough to let my soul feel some of the pain. Then of course I go to the little school food store thing we have to get junk food for the movie I'm seeing with my roomie and another friend (Chelsea) and guess who's fucking working... THE LOVELY BITCH!
FOr those of you who dono who that is it is this chick who has made it her life goal to hate me. I have no damn idea why, I got a no contact order against her last semester, but when it expired I didn't renew it. So of course she is all short and rude. Just what I did not need today. Thank you universe for throwing so much shit at me at once. I sure hope you know what the fuck you're doing.
So why do I bring any of this up? Welp it is possible that it is just a pointless ramble, a way for a 20 year old to just deal. Although, I feel like I have a point so I'll try to explain it and see if it pans out as one.
Lets go back to the whole "The darkness doesn't have any answers" idea. If I know that hiding from the world and festoring in my sadness is clearly only going to make me feel worse why do I do it? Some sadistic need to feel pain? No. Some deep dark depression I have been hiding within? Eh maybe but I doubt it. I think the reason might be because my heart needs to hide and feel that pain first because it doesn't yet understand why it hurts so much. What about the situation really was upseting me? How things were said, what was said, or how it comes across. I often hide, find music that understands and slowly deal with it. I puzzle together why it hurts so much while I hide, believeing that everything will keep me safe until I can have that melt down. I dono if it always works, if it never works, or if it sometimes works. WHat I do know is that I have Pandora on and i am listening to the Skillet raido station. Currently Dear Agony by Breaking Benjamin is playing. And right now, in this moment, after all my hiding, my small melt downs, writing this, and listening to a songs that just seem to know how I feel, I am feeling a bit better.
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