Well...I'm tired. I have a ton of HW. And I can't focus on anything. I miss Michael. I wish he was home. I need him home. He'll be here as soon as he can I guess. *Sigh*
Harry Potter 7 part 1 was AMAZING THOUGH! OMFG!!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT WAIT to see it again!!!! I LOVED IT! It was the best rendering of it in SO LONG! :) it made my day. Even better was yelling "SHIT" really loud just as the are getting caught by the bad guys. Everyone in the Theater laughed. And the old guys to my left thought I was funny it seems because every 5 minutes they laughed at something I said...or laughed at me, which ever lol. *Sigh* I just wish Michael could have gone...Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll be able to be home for the 2nd part and we can go to that together. But I won't hold my breath...I guess that's all for now...
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Day 30
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Dear Mary,
I love that you have a big heart. You never hesitate to help someone out or be a friend to them. You know how to protect your heart but to also keep it open. I love how your creativeness helps you connect with people on a level most can't. How when there is a baby around you always seem to know what to do. You know how to both give and take in relationships. How to put your foot down and say when enough is enough. You are able to accept people as they are, and not judge where they came from because who they were created who they are. You always have a quote for any occasion. You work hard at the things you care deeply about. I love how hard you are working to be more ok with how things happen and not so obsessed with how YOU want them to work out.
love,
Mary
Wow....That was a short letter. Oh well. Tired but I can't sleep. I miss Michael so much :( I wish he could cuddle with me and rub my back. It would put me right to sleep if he could *sigh* Dear Deployment, you fucking suck dirty cave man balls.
Dear Mary,
I love that you have a big heart. You never hesitate to help someone out or be a friend to them. You know how to protect your heart but to also keep it open. I love how your creativeness helps you connect with people on a level most can't. How when there is a baby around you always seem to know what to do. You know how to both give and take in relationships. How to put your foot down and say when enough is enough. You are able to accept people as they are, and not judge where they came from because who they were created who they are. You always have a quote for any occasion. You work hard at the things you care deeply about. I love how hard you are working to be more ok with how things happen and not so obsessed with how YOU want them to work out.
love,
Mary
Wow....That was a short letter. Oh well. Tired but I can't sleep. I miss Michael so much :( I wish he could cuddle with me and rub my back. It would put me right to sleep if he could *sigh* Dear Deployment, you fucking suck dirty cave man balls.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Days 27-29
It's been an eh day. Michael and I are yet again having some small issues. *Sigh* I just wish we could be done with our fighting. And I wish I could have more talk time with him. But sadly I can't wish upon a star and make all of that come true. So here we go:
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Um...Well...School? Nope not really? Love life? Nope mine is half way around the world...Hmmmmm....I really have no idea. I'm not dead! So that's a good thing...Right?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
I would get to carry out my plan for how to tell Michael that he is going to be a father...I would probably feel like I was finally working toward what I had always wanted...Michael and I want children...So I feel like it wouldn't be the worst thing ever. I would freak out at first but then be ok with it. *Sigh* and I love me some babies so lol I would be fine. And I KNOW Michael would be BEYOND ecstatic :)
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
It would be really nice to not bash myself and my looks on a daily basis. It really wears on a person after a while. But it is a bad habit that I have had for pretty much my whole life. So I feel like it Might be here to stay. Unfortunately.
*Sigh* I'm gonna try VERY hard to stay awake until Michael is able to email me back....But I am SO TIRED....So Idk that that's gonna happen :) night all.
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Um...Well...School? Nope not really? Love life? Nope mine is half way around the world...Hmmmmm....I really have no idea. I'm not dead! So that's a good thing...Right?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
I would get to carry out my plan for how to tell Michael that he is going to be a father...I would probably feel like I was finally working toward what I had always wanted...Michael and I want children...So I feel like it wouldn't be the worst thing ever. I would freak out at first but then be ok with it. *Sigh* and I love me some babies so lol I would be fine. And I KNOW Michael would be BEYOND ecstatic :)
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
It would be really nice to not bash myself and my looks on a daily basis. It really wears on a person after a while. But it is a bad habit that I have had for pretty much my whole life. So I feel like it Might be here to stay. Unfortunately.
*Sigh* I'm gonna try VERY hard to stay awake until Michael is able to email me back....But I am SO TIRED....So Idk that that's gonna happen :) night all.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Days 24-26
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
I have one for Michael but it takes WAY too long to type all the songs on that since there are over 50 on it lol.
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Because I got my heart fixed...And there was something more meant for me...I'm still searching for what that is....
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Yes. Anytime I think of Michael not coming home to me I think about how I will shut down. How I will just give up on everything because the one thing in my life that is amazing, even when we fight, would be gone...And the thought of that makes me want to crawl into a hole and die...but you know I also had the typical teenager issues....But looking back those seem so....trivial? When compared to this Deployment. *Sigh*
It's been a long day...I miss Michael a lot and even more than that I miss just being able to talk to him. And EVERYTHING has been pissing me off today. Ug. I hate this so much :(
I have one for Michael but it takes WAY too long to type all the songs on that since there are over 50 on it lol.
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Because I got my heart fixed...And there was something more meant for me...I'm still searching for what that is....
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Yes. Anytime I think of Michael not coming home to me I think about how I will shut down. How I will just give up on everything because the one thing in my life that is amazing, even when we fight, would be gone...And the thought of that makes me want to crawl into a hole and die...but you know I also had the typical teenager issues....But looking back those seem so....trivial? When compared to this Deployment. *Sigh*
It's been a long day...I miss Michael a lot and even more than that I miss just being able to talk to him. And EVERYTHING has been pissing me off today. Ug. I hate this so much :(
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Craftyness :)
Wow I haven't posted a single crafty thing on here in WAY TOO LONG!!! I have plans for Michael's Christmas present. But he checks this blog so I can't tell you what it is :) tehehehehe I sneaking! However, I might send it to him early since I want him to have it asap :) so without further delay here are some crafty things I have done recently!!!
So I went back and read some of my old posts...Damn I was dumb. It is AMAZING how much you can change in a few SHORT months. Like really, I CANNOT believe I EVER doubted Michael and I and where we would end up. Like it really amazes me. Even more so that he wasn't like, "Oh well f you too I'll be going now." And I am SO BEYOND thankful that he stuck around through my indecisiveness. I love him with ALL of my heart and I cannot believe I doubted that. Anywho, just felt the need to throw that out there :) <3 remember, we're all a little mad here.
So I went back and read some of my old posts...Damn I was dumb. It is AMAZING how much you can change in a few SHORT months. Like really, I CANNOT believe I EVER doubted Michael and I and where we would end up. Like it really amazes me. Even more so that he wasn't like, "Oh well f you too I'll be going now." And I am SO BEYOND thankful that he stuck around through my indecisiveness. I love him with ALL of my heart and I cannot believe I doubted that. Anywho, just felt the need to throw that out there :) <3 remember, we're all a little mad here.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
*sigh* I wish I could sleep
But I thought it would be a GREAT idea to put off my HW until the LAST minute! So here I am sitting in my bed avoiding my HW some more. Which is dumb, but hey it is what it is....Anywho, I wish I could go to bed. I really dk what the HW is that I am trying to do though....Ug. My shoulder is also KILLING me!!! I was playing flag football with the other theater majors (even though I had been sick all day, dumb yes I know) and to make sure I wasn't tagged out I threw myself over the safety line...Which was 3 maybe 4 times. I landed on the same side each time, and my little is convinced that I have really hurt myself. Which you know could very possibly be true because I am in a shit load of pain. I'm missing Michael like crazy. I wish he was here to help me stay awake and get on task so I can finish this fing HW....I think part of the problem is I'm trying to stay awake to get another email...Which is so not healthy...But tomorrow IS Friday...Well today is Friday....you know what I mean! When I'm done with my classes I can get into bed and SLEEP!!!!!! And maybe this weekend I will follow my schedule to do my HW on Sunday and Monday for the WHOLE WEEK! Ergo making less work for me DURING the week....The chances of this happening are slim, and nil....And slim left town :) *Sigh* ok ok FINE I'll go finish my damn HW. Night :)
Days 22 & 23
I don't think I'm too far off track. Anywho here we go :)
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Dated "the mistake". But then other times it's a good thing I did. Because it reminds me that what Michael and I have is real. Because Michael is SO different then "the mistake"....I have mixed feelings on it. If I had never been with "the mistake" I never would have known how amazing Michael really is...But on the flip side if I hadn't been with "the mistake" it wouldn't have taken me so long to realize that Michael is the person I am meant to be with...*Sigh* I hope all that makes sence LOL. Next :)
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
I really don't know...I....nope I got nothing lol. Ask me later when I'm about to die lol ;)
remember we're all a little mad here <3
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Dated "the mistake". But then other times it's a good thing I did. Because it reminds me that what Michael and I have is real. Because Michael is SO different then "the mistake"....I have mixed feelings on it. If I had never been with "the mistake" I never would have known how amazing Michael really is...But on the flip side if I hadn't been with "the mistake" it wouldn't have taken me so long to realize that Michael is the person I am meant to be with...*Sigh* I hope all that makes sence LOL. Next :)
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
I really don't know...I....nope I got nothing lol. Ask me later when I'm about to die lol ;)
remember we're all a little mad here <3
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Thinking can be risky stuff
Wow....So. I found this blog. Of a woman whos husband was killed in Afghanistan....She is so strong in my opinion. But it really made me think "What will I do if Michael doesn't come home"? Typing that question alone put me in tears again....And the truth is if Michael doesn't come home to me, I can't promise that I will go long without him. As morbid and ugly as that sounds I firmly believe that...The thought of not being able to talk to him, see him, have him cuddle to me, listen to him whisper I love you very softly into my ear, make me laugh because he is such a nerd. Explain something when I don't understand or tell me how insane I am being...I just...I cannot even fathom him not coming home...And I pray it is NEVER a truth I have to come to terms with...I love him. And unfortunately him being in the Army makes it very possible that he won't come home...God...I can't loose him...I have been trying to think of why god would take him away from me...Why he would put us through so much just to yank him out of my life in a second...And while most of me believes he wouldn't do that...the other parts of me are scared to death that I will wake up at 3am to a phone call telling me that the love of my life will not be coming home to me. And in those 20 seconds my whole world will fall apart...The thought of that happening makes me sad for my loved ones...Because they are the ones who will have to watch me completely change, watch me become a shell of who I am...And watch me become a person I might not snap out of...
Sorry that this is such a downer and morbid post....But I feel like people don't talk about the dark ugly fears, and for those of you who know me I'm NOT afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not afraid to stand on a table and say "THIS FUCKING SUCKS BECAUSE..." *Sigh*
K I'll be done now lol. If only 8:30 would hurry up! I wanna talk to my boy :(
Remember we're all a little mad here
Sorry that this is such a downer and morbid post....But I feel like people don't talk about the dark ugly fears, and for those of you who know me I'm NOT afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm not afraid to stand on a table and say "THIS FUCKING SUCKS BECAUSE..." *Sigh*
K I'll be done now lol. If only 8:30 would hurry up! I wanna talk to my boy :(
Remember we're all a little mad here
Monday, November 8, 2010
WOO HOO! I'm not 2000 days behind!!! Be proud!
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
I think that everyone should be allowed to believe what they want. I myself am not a big religion nither is Michael. Idk. I was raised where if you want to get into religion that is for you to decide. And politics....I don't talk about them aloud, it never ends well. SO moving on :)
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Drugs: medication to make you feel better is fine. Like I would DIE if once a month I didn't OD on pain pills :) because my period hates me with a PASSION. But I feel that weed, crack and whatever else kids are doing these days is really fucking dumb. As for alcohol....I think that I wish I was 21 so I could get a drink legally.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
You're joking right? I get my ass in a fucking car and I go to the hospital. Some retarded petty fight is NOT worth not being there for my friends...Now, with that said if the dumb bitch was sleeping with my man then I probably would be the car that hit hers :) ....jk jk.....kinda LOL. But really no, if a friend needs me I am there ASAP.
Well, I think that's all for tonight. I am majorly stressed. I need to be able to drive and get a car. I really might die if I don't....Night kids, remember, we're all a little mad here :)
I think that everyone should be allowed to believe what they want. I myself am not a big religion nither is Michael. Idk. I was raised where if you want to get into religion that is for you to decide. And politics....I don't talk about them aloud, it never ends well. SO moving on :)
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Drugs: medication to make you feel better is fine. Like I would DIE if once a month I didn't OD on pain pills :) because my period hates me with a PASSION. But I feel that weed, crack and whatever else kids are doing these days is really fucking dumb. As for alcohol....I think that I wish I was 21 so I could get a drink legally.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
You're joking right? I get my ass in a fucking car and I go to the hospital. Some retarded petty fight is NOT worth not being there for my friends...Now, with that said if the dumb bitch was sleeping with my man then I probably would be the car that hit hers :) ....jk jk.....kinda LOL. But really no, if a friend needs me I am there ASAP.
Well, I think that's all for tonight. I am majorly stressed. I need to be able to drive and get a car. I really might die if I don't....Night kids, remember, we're all a little mad here :)
Saturday, November 6, 2010
....Days 6-18...FAIL MARY FAIL! Lol
So can I just say that I am a MAJOR FAIL!?!?!?! Ug, life on this end has been getting so CRAZY! With all this drama I have going on in my life it is like crazy! I've had drama with school, Michael, my little and her roommate. And it has just ug been getting me so down. I really get my school stuff done, try to talk to Michael, and sleep....I'll TRY to post more, I pinky swear :)
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Not to be morbid and negative but I hope I never have to burry Michael...I hope to god he comes home alive and well every single time he has to deploy...It scares me to death thinking that I could open the door one day or answer my phone and find out that the love of my life, the person who saved me from being this shell of a person, is gone forever. I don't want to imagine it...A girl in one of my theater classes asked me what I would do if my boy friend died. Which was a TOTAL bitch question to ask considering the circumstances. I told her I would die also. I started to tear upi and I couldn't hardly speak. In that moment I didn't know if I wanted to hit her more, or cry more. But anywho...yeah there ya go. moving on
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
I have a lot of people who do that. All my friends, Michael, my mom, my god children...Yeah moving on now lol
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Again, i have had a lot of people do this to me...I really try to just ignore them and move on. I try to remember all of the people who love me and want to support me...Sometimes I fail and get SUPER pissed off at people, but I do try.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
I think everyone has more then one person they drifted away from and wish they hadn't. My friend Alexis, Kayla....Idk lots of people...But as life goes on you change, other people change. What you want from life and in life changes...So I guess it only makes sense that sometimes the people you have in your life change.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
...I wish that I could forget "the mistake"...All the events that include him really hold me back in EVERY part of my life. And it really pisses me off...But no matter how hard I try I can't seem to let go of what he did to me...Or how to forgive him for it...
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
...Idk....my smile I guess...Or my sometimes loving nature...Or my ablity to just go for things...Idk....Never really asked before...But I will now lol
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Hm.....My brains....Idk why because I am really damn smart! But it seems like people don't notice that about me....It is probably part my fault since being the A student in class isn't my life goal like it can be for my sister.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
....I have WAY too many of these to write a letter to all...So we will just make a general letter :)
* Wow...I have had some shity days in my life...But because you put...Emotions to words and words to music, I feel like I'm not alone. Like somewhere someone in this world know EXACTLY how I am feeling...And feels just as lost as I do...It really gives me comfort to know that I am not going through these crap days alone, that I can pull up my itunes account or the internet and somewhere some song or songs, will make me feel better...I've always said that one song can change all my views or emotions on something...And that has never been more true then when I turned to music to remind me I'm not alone. So thank you all.
Mary
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
...None
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
...At&t is stupid so they cut off my phone because of all the charges on it (we haven't gotten the bill yet for it so it's not like we didn't fucking pay the bill!) I had all of those charges because I was talking to Michael, since he is deployed that to me is a big freakin deal...SO I was forced to live without my phone for 2.5 hours and I really think it almost killed me. With Michael in Afganistan and knowing that if anything happens it is ME that they will call....The thought that I wouldn't know if something went wrong was tearing me apart...Yeah that can NEVER happen again! Or next time the AT&T person I deal with, WILL end up with a black eye.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
"the mistake" enough said.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Hm....idk I read a lot of books...But I often agreed with the topic before I read it lol....I really have no idea lol
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
I see no problem with it...In my opinion, god does NOT make mistakes. Everyone is born how they are for a reason! And even if we don't understand these reasons it is NOT our place to judge. Love isn't something that you can help or control. It's...crazy and spontaneous and unexpected....maybe god is trying to teach other tolerance for something they cannot understand...Idk. But I DO know that I see no reason to hold them back simply because they are gay. how dumb to do something like that in my opinion.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Not to be morbid and negative but I hope I never have to burry Michael...I hope to god he comes home alive and well every single time he has to deploy...It scares me to death thinking that I could open the door one day or answer my phone and find out that the love of my life, the person who saved me from being this shell of a person, is gone forever. I don't want to imagine it...A girl in one of my theater classes asked me what I would do if my boy friend died. Which was a TOTAL bitch question to ask considering the circumstances. I told her I would die also. I started to tear upi and I couldn't hardly speak. In that moment I didn't know if I wanted to hit her more, or cry more. But anywho...yeah there ya go. moving on
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
I have a lot of people who do that. All my friends, Michael, my mom, my god children...Yeah moving on now lol
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Again, i have had a lot of people do this to me...I really try to just ignore them and move on. I try to remember all of the people who love me and want to support me...Sometimes I fail and get SUPER pissed off at people, but I do try.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
I think everyone has more then one person they drifted away from and wish they hadn't. My friend Alexis, Kayla....Idk lots of people...But as life goes on you change, other people change. What you want from life and in life changes...So I guess it only makes sense that sometimes the people you have in your life change.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
...I wish that I could forget "the mistake"...All the events that include him really hold me back in EVERY part of my life. And it really pisses me off...But no matter how hard I try I can't seem to let go of what he did to me...Or how to forgive him for it...
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
...Idk....my smile I guess...Or my sometimes loving nature...Or my ablity to just go for things...Idk....Never really asked before...But I will now lol
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Hm.....My brains....Idk why because I am really damn smart! But it seems like people don't notice that about me....It is probably part my fault since being the A student in class isn't my life goal like it can be for my sister.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
....I have WAY too many of these to write a letter to all...So we will just make a general letter :)
* Wow...I have had some shity days in my life...But because you put...Emotions to words and words to music, I feel like I'm not alone. Like somewhere someone in this world know EXACTLY how I am feeling...And feels just as lost as I do...It really gives me comfort to know that I am not going through these crap days alone, that I can pull up my itunes account or the internet and somewhere some song or songs, will make me feel better...I've always said that one song can change all my views or emotions on something...And that has never been more true then when I turned to music to remind me I'm not alone. So thank you all.
Mary
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
...None
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
...At&t is stupid so they cut off my phone because of all the charges on it (we haven't gotten the bill yet for it so it's not like we didn't fucking pay the bill!) I had all of those charges because I was talking to Michael, since he is deployed that to me is a big freakin deal...SO I was forced to live without my phone for 2.5 hours and I really think it almost killed me. With Michael in Afganistan and knowing that if anything happens it is ME that they will call....The thought that I wouldn't know if something went wrong was tearing me apart...Yeah that can NEVER happen again! Or next time the AT&T person I deal with, WILL end up with a black eye.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
"the mistake" enough said.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Hm....idk I read a lot of books...But I often agreed with the topic before I read it lol....I really have no idea lol
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
I see no problem with it...In my opinion, god does NOT make mistakes. Everyone is born how they are for a reason! And even if we don't understand these reasons it is NOT our place to judge. Love isn't something that you can help or control. It's...crazy and spontaneous and unexpected....maybe god is trying to teach other tolerance for something they cannot understand...Idk. But I DO know that I see no reason to hold them back simply because they are gay. how dumb to do something like that in my opinion.
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