ok so there is gunna be a lot in this post so stick with me....
Michael: We all know how I feel about him.
The Ex: My ex boy friend from middle school resently came back into my life, and I have been wondering if anything would come from it.....The catch? He has a baby and if getting a devorce when he gets done with bootcamp. That's right. He is in the Navy. I know I know I couldn't pick someone who was staying close by. But the thing is I don't even understand why I like him again. It just kinda happened. But nothing will happen until it's over with his wife. And even then I plan on walking on this ice very carefuly. I mean I don't want to be the rebound for him. I went and saw him today a few times. The first time I talked to him again in five years was on the playground near my house. We just talked for a little bit then he had to leave so I hugged him, told him to be safe, and we parted ways. But then he saw me walking home and asked if I wanted a ride, and I said if you want to I don't care either way, he said well then get in. So I did. I thought it was nice of him not to want me to walk home alone, even though the playground is less than a mile from my house.
So where does this leave Michael and I? I really don't know...I mean I never really knew where Michael and I stood to begin with. With the whole not seeing him in four years, and now he can't come see me like he planned because of the army. The truth is I don't know what I want. I can't stop looking for my fairy tale. I dono. But the worst part is it's not like I can go out on a date with each of them and see who I click better with. Their both in some branch of the Military. Both of them are great guys, both can make me laugh, both want to help me get back to the person I was going to be before "The mistake", both want to help heal my heart. I just don't know....
In other news. The whole wanting to not be so fat. I'm gunna try again, and maybe this time I will be able to keep with it. Gatta kick my moms butt!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Music = Perrin Lamb - "Be This Way"
Stuck in my head. I cannot seem to stop thinking. It is making me crazy let me tell you! I found out Michael is coming to see me! I cannot wait. But with the joy of it comes worry.....I mean I haven't been flesh to flesh next to him in over 4 years.....that's a long freakin time! I mean, I don't even know how we'll act around each other! I have changed so much since I was a freshman in High School. There are some mornings I wake up, look in the mirror and think, "How did you become this person?" What was the point that really changed me? I mean I guess it doesn't really matter. But I worry that even though he knows I'm different he'll expect me to be who I was, not who I am. And I am afraid that because of that we won't work. I mean we are in something that is sort of like a relationship.....But email, phone calls, letters, and texting are WAY WAY different from being around each other! I mean you can hit it off with someone that way but when your face to face its like OMG WE SO DO NOT WORK!!! I dono I have a feeling that I am over thinking this big time. But again that is just part of who I am. I over think, and worry, and freak out over what could be the worst so that if I have to face it I can deal. I wonder if I always did that or if it started after mono, my heart, and "the mistake"......I don't know. And I am willing to bet I never will. Welp......I think I'll go find things I can pack up to take home.....Night (eventualy) and remember,
We're all a little mad here.
We're all a little mad here.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Cannot Sleep
Welp Here is what has been going on in my life the last few days....
Gamma Phi Beta: Well I can't do it this year because I have a 2.48 GPA rather than a 2.5....Its super dumb and made me mad. However i can rush next year and by then maybe my family will be in better standing with money, or I'll be able to drive, have a car, and be able to get a job.
Weekend with hosting kids & helping out: Victoria, Ali, & Lindsey. They were pretty good kids! I ended up getting a piggy back ride for this game we played with the kids. It was....Interesting to say the least lol.
Michael: Is doing well! I got to talk to him for an hour today which brightened my mood quite a bit! I miss him a lot. And I wish the Valentine's stuff he had his mom send me would get here already, I want my teddy bear! Its just a little one for now but it will be the best one ever! I am also getting flowers!!!! Roses, Carnations, and something else. I miss him, I miss getting to talk to him on nights like this where I can't sleep and I feel alone. Gah it sucks! lol. It would be even worse if we were married, but for right now "its complicated"
Random Information: I bought Army Wives season 3 today. I tried to get nail polish but I didn't have enough money. The guy didn't ring it up but I found out later that the nail polish was still in the bag...I don't know if he meant to leave it in the bag or if he just forgot, but I think I'm gunna let myself believe he meant to leave it in the bag lol. I have already used it on my nails and toes!
Hm what else........Oh. I started to write again. I don't wanna post it until its done. When it is then I'll put it on a site and see how it does maybe. I dono yet. Right now its just for me and These characters just want me to write their story. So I am lol.
Well that is all I have. Guess I'll try to sleep now. Goonight all! Remember, We're all a little mad here!
Gamma Phi Beta: Well I can't do it this year because I have a 2.48 GPA rather than a 2.5....Its super dumb and made me mad. However i can rush next year and by then maybe my family will be in better standing with money, or I'll be able to drive, have a car, and be able to get a job.
Weekend with hosting kids & helping out: Victoria, Ali, & Lindsey. They were pretty good kids! I ended up getting a piggy back ride for this game we played with the kids. It was....Interesting to say the least lol.
Michael: Is doing well! I got to talk to him for an hour today which brightened my mood quite a bit! I miss him a lot. And I wish the Valentine's stuff he had his mom send me would get here already, I want my teddy bear! Its just a little one for now but it will be the best one ever! I am also getting flowers!!!! Roses, Carnations, and something else. I miss him, I miss getting to talk to him on nights like this where I can't sleep and I feel alone. Gah it sucks! lol. It would be even worse if we were married, but for right now "its complicated"
Random Information: I bought Army Wives season 3 today. I tried to get nail polish but I didn't have enough money. The guy didn't ring it up but I found out later that the nail polish was still in the bag...I don't know if he meant to leave it in the bag or if he just forgot, but I think I'm gunna let myself believe he meant to leave it in the bag lol. I have already used it on my nails and toes!
Hm what else........Oh. I started to write again. I don't wanna post it until its done. When it is then I'll put it on a site and see how it does maybe. I dono yet. Right now its just for me and These characters just want me to write their story. So I am lol.
Well that is all I have. Guess I'll try to sleep now. Goonight all! Remember, We're all a little mad here!
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Last Few Days
Wow....They have been interesting.
The kid I hosted: She was awsome! She was just like me in so many ways! It was 100% scary! I started calling her mini me because of it.
Work Day: Well it was fine but a few people....Lets call them: Beth, Cassy, and Marsha were super rude to me...Heres why
Beth: Was doing nothing but complaining on how tired she was, and how out of shape she was. Listen darlin. I understand that it's hard freakin work! Really I do. But YOU THINK that you would work to be in better shape so it isn't so difficult for you! All she did was bitch. And I did NOT want to here it because I myself was getting really tired. Because she was so out of shape I was having to do TWICE the work. Which made me mad. Just down right ticked me off.
Cassy: Well she was just not being helpful at all!!!! When Beth and I had a problem building something we asked Cassy for help. She told us figure it out for yourself....Wow....Ok so I was ASKING because I know what a pain in the ass it is to have to go back and REDO something because someone else jacked it up! SO EXCUSE THE HELL OUTA ME FOR TRYING TO DO IT CORRECTLY! After much drama the problem was fixed.
Other drama caused by above: I ended up having like a crying melt down because I was so done with people yelling at me and all that. I got pushed over the edge when Beth tried to tell me I was doing something wrong when Jim had been yelling at me for not doing it while she and someone else were putting on another portion of the thing. So I looked at Paul as he told me to just ignore her and I put my hands in the air and was like I am done. I can't deal with people barking at me anymore! Then began to cry. He told me to go take a break and calm down. I went and cried and when I came back he gave me a big hug and told me I was an amazing person because of how happy I am and how I try to cheer people up and that I should never let someone bring me down to that again. I promised him I would try not too. Needless to say I love Paul to death!
Now Marsha.....: JUST STUPID! Gah! Of all the air headed, rude, idiotic, most clueless people in the world! I had to work with her! Ug! Lets just say I do not like her attitude AT ALL! But because our theater is a family I will be kind to her. However that DOES NOT MEAN I have to enjoy being around her!!!!
Hm what else........Mom sent me some mail, so I am waiting for it to get here!!! Super happy about it! Also waiting for my letter from Michael! His hand writing is so bad I made him mailing labels to use in hopes that it would make his life easier!
Well I have some HW to do and I need to wash dishes and clothes, so I am OFF! I will post more later and also add some crafting pictures soon!!!
Remember we're all a little mad here!
The kid I hosted: She was awsome! She was just like me in so many ways! It was 100% scary! I started calling her mini me because of it.
Work Day: Well it was fine but a few people....Lets call them: Beth, Cassy, and Marsha were super rude to me...Heres why
Beth: Was doing nothing but complaining on how tired she was, and how out of shape she was. Listen darlin. I understand that it's hard freakin work! Really I do. But YOU THINK that you would work to be in better shape so it isn't so difficult for you! All she did was bitch. And I did NOT want to here it because I myself was getting really tired. Because she was so out of shape I was having to do TWICE the work. Which made me mad. Just down right ticked me off.
Cassy: Well she was just not being helpful at all!!!! When Beth and I had a problem building something we asked Cassy for help. She told us figure it out for yourself....Wow....Ok so I was ASKING because I know what a pain in the ass it is to have to go back and REDO something because someone else jacked it up! SO EXCUSE THE HELL OUTA ME FOR TRYING TO DO IT CORRECTLY! After much drama the problem was fixed.
Other drama caused by above: I ended up having like a crying melt down because I was so done with people yelling at me and all that. I got pushed over the edge when Beth tried to tell me I was doing something wrong when Jim had been yelling at me for not doing it while she and someone else were putting on another portion of the thing. So I looked at Paul as he told me to just ignore her and I put my hands in the air and was like I am done. I can't deal with people barking at me anymore! Then began to cry. He told me to go take a break and calm down. I went and cried and when I came back he gave me a big hug and told me I was an amazing person because of how happy I am and how I try to cheer people up and that I should never let someone bring me down to that again. I promised him I would try not too. Needless to say I love Paul to death!
Now Marsha.....: JUST STUPID! Gah! Of all the air headed, rude, idiotic, most clueless people in the world! I had to work with her! Ug! Lets just say I do not like her attitude AT ALL! But because our theater is a family I will be kind to her. However that DOES NOT MEAN I have to enjoy being around her!!!!
Hm what else........Mom sent me some mail, so I am waiting for it to get here!!! Super happy about it! Also waiting for my letter from Michael! His hand writing is so bad I made him mailing labels to use in hopes that it would make his life easier!
Well I have some HW to do and I need to wash dishes and clothes, so I am OFF! I will post more later and also add some crafting pictures soon!!!
Remember we're all a little mad here!
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