Wrote on 5-21-10

5-21-10

Wow….so I didn’t think Jesse would be someone I was interested in…But I am…Wow…Idk what to do….I guess I should start from the top huh? Ok here we go.

Middle school ex- This is over. I mean like he didn’t want to tell me what was going on because he didn’t want to hurt me. Yeah sure whatever. So it’s over

Michael- We’re still complicated….He told me a few things that idk how to deal with….I mean yes I really like him, love him even…I just..I don’t know….Maybe sometimes how….intense he is about how he feels scares me…I just don’t know…I mean really that’s all I can say. I don’t know. He’ll be here soon I hope and maybe we can deal with whatever it is we are….And where we want to go…Or can go…

Jesse- Well….He was someone I never expected to like. I mean really never in a ZILLION years! He is quite a few things that he does that make me wanna yell at him….Like his inability to be ANYWHERE on time it seems. His bad smoking habit. His changing plans 6000000000 times in one hour. But then again…There are things I like about him….Like how silly he can be. How random he is. I don’t know….That should really be my theme, “Hi I’m Mary and I never know what I want”. Ug. But he is going back to Afghanistan soon. And I don’t know how I can deal with that. I mean with Michael I’ll have more time to prepare….Jesse. He will be gone in a little more than a week and that scares me. It scares me that so many people I love, never mind in what way I love them, are going to war and there is a good chance they won’t come back. That I’ll say goodbye to them as they leave and it could be the last time I ever see them. The last time they ever smile at me. Or tell me I’m crazy for calling myself fat. Or kick my ass at a fight in the pool. I mean thinking about it now I am starting to cry. I wish I could protect them, but they are going somewhere that I can’t keep them safe. I just don’t know what to do.

Here is what I do know:
-I want all my loved ones safe
-I want them all to come back alive and unharmed
-I want to be happy
-I want whoever it is that makes me happy to be able to be around…Which could be a high order for someone in the Army
-I want a family someday

That’s all I have for now…I hope to have answers soon. I guess I’ll find out. This blog has become more of a way for me to vent rather than about scrapbooking, which is the whole reason I started it lol. Go figure right!

Remember, we’re all a little mad here <3