Old things become new

Wow I wrote this a LONG time ago :) But here it is

Hi all….
First let me say that what I put here is MY opinion. Not fact. I DO NOT want anyone to start leaving me comments telling me I am a drama starting female dog, because the fact of the matter is I’ll just delete you. I am tired of not saying what I need to say to get things off my chest and work them out. No one is making you read this. If you have a comment or question go for it ask! But don’t judge me for saying what I need to say.

With that said, I’m going to write a blogish type thing about everything that’s happened and is happening with me. I dono why I’m doing this….I mean I could just keep a diary but for some reason that’s not good enough….I feel like if I’m going to take the time to write or in this case type down what I’ve been through I should let someone else learn from my mistakes and grow from them. So before we begin here are something’s you’ll need to know about me in order to understand why what happens in my life happens or just to help you make a picture of who I am in your mind. So here we go jumping into the unknown.

-I LOVE music, it runs my life, my mood can change from sad, to happy, to safe, to anything by just listening to one song. So I’m going to put up what song(s) I was listening to when I typed whatever it is I type, that way while you read you can get into my world a little bit more. So for this first “episode” if you will here is the music
-Colorblind: Counting Crows
-Someday: Bryan Greenberg
-Life is Beautiful: Vega4
-Enough For Now: The Fray
-Rise About This: Seether
-World on Fire: Sarah McLachlan
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-I don’t go to church….Reason being…Long story….Every time I walk into a church I go into panic mode. I start to breath a little harder, my hands get a little hotter, my stomach fills with butterflies. I just feel out of place. It’s so silly but it’s true. The few times I have been in a church were when someone took me there, when I didn’t want to go. Every time they said it would be better, and every time it wasn’t. I doubt I will ever get over it. I’m not against god. I believe he is there and that he watches over me sometimes, but I don’t think I have to read the bible or go to a church just for him to listen to me. Too me he knows what I have done wrong in my life, what I regret, what I wish I could change, who I want to be and who I’ll become. I mean he has my whole life planned for me right? Well then he knows my mistakes I’ll make before I do. I don’t think that I need to tell the world my wrongs in order to get into heaven. And I also don’t think that he sends someone who has killed themselves to where ever people think they go. It doesn’t make sense to me, so there for I don’t see it as true. Moving along 

-I have quite a few fears so here they are: I HATE the dark 99.9999% of the time, I worry I’ll end up alone, that I won’t be able to have children for some reason or another, failing, sharks….they are just scary, snakes are NOT normal, BUGS EW, heights with a BURNING passion, not being good enough, not being remembered once I die.

-I want more then anything to be a mom someday. To have that cute house in the nice naborhood with a husband who loves me for me, and as many kids as I can get away with. I have always wanted that. Since I was old enough to understand it. Why is this important? Because most of the things I do happen with that in mind. Sure some of my mistakes have been well dumb and not had that in mind, but at the same time most of the choices I make I make with the knowledge that all I want from life is to be a mother with a husband who loves me. It’s so Disney sounding but still. I truly believe that everyone has a fairy tale ending. And my fairy tale ending has a husband and kids.

-I doubt I’ll tell you all my mistakes and regrets because to tell the truth I am ashamed of most of them. But here are a few: Josh, Jay, not doing more in high school, letting dance rule my life, not speaking up all the times I wanted too. There are more I just can’t think of them at the moment….I mean its 4 am lol.

-I really don’t think I’m a very selfish person. Some people might say differently but I really believe that I am a kind person. I always see myself as the “mom” of a group, always trying to ease someone else’s pain while I let my own heart break. I throw myself into trying to solve other people’s problems when sometimes I just need to worry about my heart. I think being as…..compassionate and loving as I am is the reason I get hurt so much. The reason that I let other people who need to be wanted over come me. It’s silly but I dono. I back down from a lot because I see my needs as not being important when someone needs it more to feel…..Wanted? To tell the truth I think that’s why I backed down in dance so much. I didn’t need my teachers to love me like some of the girls I danced with did….I didn’t really need that constant praise they needed….Looking back I wish I hadn’t backed down, because by backing down I feel like sometimes I got ignored….Like I wasn’t appreciated as much as I felt I deserved. That sounds selfish but still. It’s not anyone’s fault that it happened but my own. I let people walk all over me. I know that, but at the same time when I did speak up, I wish more had been done about it. With all that said, I don’t want any drama for this.

For now that’s all I have in the things you need to know about me. I can always add more in later “episodes”.
So moving on let’s talk about the past 18 years of me. Wow that sounds selfish…… anyways here we go

Years 1-14
I don’t remember much of. Pretty much it was me getting picked on at school. Feeling like an outcast, and wanted someone to accept me. Wishing I was a part of a group who just got me. Needless to say it didn’t really happen for me. So when I started dancing at 10 I let it pretty much rule my life, because at the time I was safe there.

At the end of Freshman year
I got really sick. Doctors swore all I had was the flu. Until one day at school I left my math class to go see my dad. I had a temp, And was drenched in my own sweat. I was sensitive to light, sounds, I hurt all over. After yet another doctor’s appointment and a blood test the doctors found out that I had mono. Yeah fun right? I did not get it from kissing. Apparently there is another strand, my doctor thinks I did have a flu like illness but since my immune system was so weak I go mono from some surface at school. I ended up having to miss about 3 months of school because my liver and spleen were so enlarged if someone had hit me just right it would have ruptured one of them and killed me. I came back a lot weaker and thinner. I didn’t think anyone had noticed I was gone. I found out later that the Russian class I was in (my dad was the teacher) asked where I was a lot. But all dad said was that I was really sick. The doctor told me when it was time for my dance recital that I wasn’t allowed to dance, that my liver and spleen were still too enlarged and that if I fell just right I could die. Also that I was far too weak to get through it….I didn’t listen and that year I danced in 66 dances after the dress rehearsals and actual shows were over. I fell back stage during one of the shows, and lived to tell the tale. I wasn’t allowed to dance at all that summer. My stunt made my liver and spleen just a little worse, so I had to hang up my dance shoes so I could recover.

Year 15
I met Josh. You’ll see he was my number one mistake. To me at least. It was sophomore year and I still didn’t feel like I fit in. I was the daughter of a teacher who wasn’t liked so I got picked on for it. Which wasn’t new so it was easy to deal. But when I met Josh he swept me off my feet. I really thought he was the one….So sad, I remember the day he asked me out. I was in the parking lot of the school, after school playing with the key combo lock on his car, and he asked me if I would be his girlfriend. I said I would love to. At the time I thought love had finally found me now that I wasn’t looking for it. I was wrong. For a while it was amazing. I had never been so happy, people had stopped picking on me for the most part, he got me flowers, took me places, he changed my whole world. Then when things changed it all went to well…..hell sorry for the language. He started to get mean and distant. When I had heart surgery March 14, 2007 (More on this later) he came to see me twice. Once right after to bring me flowers, and one other time when I was really sick. I had gotten three infections at the operation site plus the stomach virus and he only came to see me once. After that he started to get meaner and I started to get paranoid. I was doing everything I could to keep him. I was so worried that he would leave and I wouldn’t find love ever again. Most of his being mean was emotional abuse. He would yell at me till I was in tears, say I didn’t love him, get mad if I didn’t call back or answer my phone, it pretty much just got really bad. My friends told me I had to end it, but I couldn’t. I don’t care what anyone says I know I loved him, and at the time I couldn’t let him go because of it. The night we broke up he was getting mad at me again, I can’t even remember why, and I just snapped. I started to yell into the phone telling him I was tired of how he treated me. I pretty much lost ALL control on my emotions. My mom ended up coming in the room pissed off and told me to get off the phone. And after a while I did. That was a Friday and his birthday was that weekend…My mom didn’t let me go to his house for it. That week at school we officially ended it. It was Junior year in January. We had been together for 13 months. For the longest time I wouldn’t tell anyone what really happened with us. How bad it really was, I was afraid people would judge him unfairly because of it. I learned that he was telling a whole bunch of lies about what happened, and that day is when I ended my silence on what REALLY happened. And up until I graduated on June 30th I STILL had people asking me if we were still together. For a while it was painful, but as I became me again I started to realize how bad our relationship was and how much he had controlled and changed me.

December – March 14, 2007
Wow ok so I was dancing one night and all the sudden I started having a really hard time breathing. My heart was racing, I couldn’t catch my breath it was all around bad. Well I started to panic. A few of the moms tried to take my pulse one of whom was a nurse and none of them could count it my pulse was to erratic. I sat out pretty much the rest of that night the moms told me not to dance. When my mom got there the moms told her what happened, my mom looked at the dance teachers and told them I was not allowed to dance until we knew what had caused it. My doctor referred me to one of the best cardiologists in the state. I had a tons of tests done. BP checks, stress test, heart ultrasound, EKGs, lots. The doctor did her tests and after looking at my EKGs said she thought I had Wolff Parkinson White Syndrome. A heart defect that presents itself anywhere from the ages of 15 to 50. She said she wanted to get a second opinion but she was 99% sure that was what was wrong with my heart. She got me a portable EKG machine to wear. I had three adhesive patches that stuck to my chest and plugged into a beeper looking thingy. Anytime I felt my heart race I had to push a button and it would record my heart beats. Then I had to go to a phone dial the 1800 number and send the recording over the phone. I would wait on the phone while the nurse on the other end looked at the EKG. Most of the time she told me ok talk to you later and I would hang up. A few times she told me to take deep breaths then do the EKG again and resend it, the doctor had explained before that if my heart rate got to out of control I was to call 911. I never had to call 911. After wearing the patches for one week they started to eat away my skin. I was allergic to the adhesive on them, to this day if you look hard enough you can see the circle scars. But the doctor told me it didn’t matter. I didn’t need the “beeper” anymore. She was sure I had WPW Syndrome. She then told me my options: Pills every day for the rest of my life, or a heart catheter oblation, AKA an operation. She explained that people with WPW have an extra nerve in their heart. The extra nerve for me worked as a pathway from chamber one of my heart to chamber three. Normal hearts go through chamber two to get to chamber three. My heart went through chamber two to three but also through the extra path that formed while I was in utero. It caused my heart to beat way too fast. She explained that the operation was radiofrequency or catheter ablation. In this, a flexible tube called a catheter is guided to the heart using the veins below my hips and one in my neck and after stimulating it to find where the extra pathway is that tissue is destroyed with radiofrequency energy or in my case by freezing it. After my operation I was told I would be up and about in three days; able to dance and go to school. But since this is me we’re talking about that didn’t happen at all. I can’t remember much but I believe I tried to go to school, but walking was too painful. I asked mom if I could stay home until I healed a little more since I was in much pain, But after a few days I couldn’t move at all. I was stuck in bed because moving hurt so bad I cried. The operation site also was badly bruised. I had been told to expect a little bruising, but I had a bruise the size of a baseball and what was worse a knot in the center the size of a golf ball. My mother called my heart doctor endlessly and she only told us to take me to the ER, well that costs my parents about $100 so I said just take me to my normal doctor. So to my doctor I went. After seeing him he was appalled they didn’t give me any pain medication, he also told me I had developed three infections in my left leg, and a large blood clot. I was given medication for the pain, and antibiotics for the infection, then a mild blood thinner to get rid of the clot. Needless to say I missed more school. However I went to dance every night and watched. I finaly got back to school and dance a few weeks later. Two weeks before my dance recital I couldn’t walk let alone dance. But when performance time came I was on stage and dancing.

Summer 2008 – Present
Well my next big mistake was named Jay. Let’s just say he was NOT worth my time. He ended up cheating on me with two people that I know of. And I can prove it. That summer without Jay was the best summer I have had in a long time. I got to spend time with one of my best friends who I now miss very much. My senior year was pretty good. I got a schedule I loved and I was happy. For the first time I was enjoying school. First semester was pretty good, the best part was getting to go to Disney with the school chorus and sing in the Candlelight Processional. It really was like the best thing in the world I loved every second of it! First semester ended and second semester started and it was also going really well. I had no major complaints. I learned a lot my last year of high school. I have always said that I didn’t care what people thought of me, and it was true. I realized more this year that it didn’t matter if I wore jeans and make up, or sweat pants. People were either going to like me or they weren’t. I learned to accept that sometimes life really sucks, but eventually it will get better. The last two weeks of school I was able to be with my best friend. I was walking in the great hall one morning and I heard this little voice telling me to look up and I did, then I looked back down. One second passed for I jerked my head up again screamed and ran to my best friend who I hadn’t seen in over 6 months. I didn’t realize how much I had missed her until I saw her, being the emotional person I am I cried lol. Then I started to spill my guts on everything. The biggest leasons I learned in high school were simple: Know who your real friends are & keep them close, be overly nice to everyone because sooner or later they will be nice to you, if you have to stand up for yourself do it. There are probably many more but at the moment I can’t think of them. Well that’s really all I have to say now is that I hope this helps someone out seems so silly but I really feel much better. So its 3 AM two days after I started typing goodnight everyone.